Funny Stuff

Okay I got this e mail this morning from a co-worker which is an excerpt taken from an actual memo at IBM dealing with employees replacing the balls in their computer mice. It reads as follows:

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

This got me and my buddy Dan e mailing back and forth about some funny stuff like that we ran across in the Army.

There was an incident while our battalion was deployed to Kosovo in 200-2001 where a fake intelligence report was released about a local farmer who shot another local man when he found him making love to one of his cows. The memo made it all the way to the Pentagon. While I wouldn't put this action past any of those savages this incident never actually happened.

Another pretty good one: While I was in Bosnia back in 1997-1998 we used to go out on patrols through the local area. We were just there to show our presence so the locals kept from killing each other. After every patrol the patrol leader had to go to the headquarters tent for a debriefing with the battalion commander and intelligence guys. They would ask a series of questions about what we saw, any interactions we had and other general observations. Well I had done a bunch of these as the patrol leader and all the questions were routine. That's until one day I came back from a patrol and went to my de-briefing and the intel guys started asking me about the chickens I saw in people's yards and other assorted livestock. The question was something like, "Would you say the chickens you saw were average or above average in size as compared to farm chickens you've seen back in the states?" I was like, "Yes....why do you ask?" I was told that the powers that be looked at this information as an indicator of how the economy was doing. In other words, fat chickens meant that the locals had enough money to buy an adequate amount of food for their chickens--skinny chickens meant people were poor. Now I never spent much time on a chicken farm but what could I say? They looked like fucking chickens!!! So then I started elaborating about the 2 headed cow I observed and a chicken that was the size of a turkey and was eating another chicken! The intel guys got all riled up and started releasing economy reports indicating that the economy was making great progress because some patrols were observing turkey-sized chickens in the local area. Now I don't know if these reports ever made it to the big 5 sided building in Arlington, VA but I know they made it to the commanding general's headquarters in Tuzla.

Hey listen....can't blame me for that. We had to do something for fun. What else is there when you live in a canvas fucking tent through the assnuts cold winter and have to trudge about 300 yards down the road through the snow and mud to the porta potty to take a piss or shit? All we had were mail-ordered cigars, another small canvas tent that served as a makeshift coffee shop and good ol' fashioned pranks and jokes to play on each other like the chicken intelligence reports.