As a child.....

You know back a looooong time ago when I was but a young lad growing up in the rough and tumble streets of rural New York I learned a lot of things about life, about myself, about love and about squeezing watermelon seeds between my toes. So go life's lessons. They teach us modesty, humility, virginity and how to thumb wrestle with your own flaccid penis. Is it any coincidence that "manipulate my nipples" rhymes with "capitulate my ripples"??? Many times when I would look at the school's lunch menu I would feel empty inside and an overwhelming urge to pick up the taco meat with my own bare hands and massage it into my supple, milky-white buttocks....only my pants were in the way. Often times I would sit alone in a dark corner of my room and re-play "Turning Japanese" over and over again on my 45rpm record player. I would pull my eyes back on their corners and pretend I was Japanese or a Malaysian samurai. Instead of a sword I would wildly swing my member's only jacket through the air. I would strip down to the nude and mix ketchup with stool and paint my body in the tribal war paint of my ancestors and do a little dance. I would chant things like, "muffins should be buttered" and "what's areola mean?" Friends would often accuse me of plagiarism and tomfoolery but that's okay. I knew they were jealous.

Yes, life teaches us many lessons. What lessons do you remember from your childhood?