Big Brown Beaver

What's new? Not too much here. We got about 5 inches of snow last night after they said "up to an inch". Fucking rubber bags can't get shit right. Take your Doppler and stick it right up your ass pole-smokers!!!!

Well at least I have my car back from being repaired so I have 4WD again....makes the ride much better in snowy weather. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas on January 31st!!!!

Okay so in a week I will be 33 years old....that's very sad. I am nearing the proverbial hill.

You know I haven't gotten shit back yet for my taxes! Nothing...1099s from all my investments, W-2s, homeowner's interest payment statement.....jack shit. I know today is the deadline for everyone to mail those things out but Jesus Christ....do ya have to wait until the last fucking minute every single year? Give a skinny Italian kid a break man!

Looking at heading south in April for about 4-5 days......NC baby! It'll be nice to get out of PA for a while but I will miss my boat :(

I think I mentioned my wife and daughter will be going to Germany from May to June. I am thinking about taking 2-3 days off and spending the whole time on the lake fishing and dicking around. I can load up on burgers and beers and stuff and just "camp" on the lake on my boat the whole time. I can't think of many better ways to spend a few days. I also plan on doing a lot of recording while everyone is gone and the house is nice and quiet.

We got a call back from that record company last night. The owner has a band and he wants to start doing some stuff with my wife and I. They play a lot of shows in PA, NJ, WV, MD and in some big venues. Recently they've played with the Charlie Daniels Band and some other pretty big acts and they're really good. My wife's going over to practice with them singing backup for a while this Sunday. They also mentioned about seeing about getting some studio time for us which is all I am looking for. So again, we'll see what happens.

Okay so I have to go and buy some stamps now and try and get some work done. Talk to you soon.

Labia Majora

I was reading an article today. Most of the article was about how women say an average of 20,000 words a day and men say an average of 7,000 (big surprise there) but then the author started talking about humor. Humor is more than just being funny or having a good sense of humor. To men, humor is a VERY important part of our lives. It is one of the fundamental differences between men and women. Not to say women can't be funny but I don't think they appreciate humor or treasure it as much as guys do. Many of us guys spend our day lurking behind the shadows just waiting for a co-worker, spouse, friend or innocent bystander to slip up and say or do something foolish....then we pounce and let them have it. It just gives us that warm fuzzy feeling inside and fills a void in our soul. I don't think women place that kind of value on humor. For instance I will be 33 years old in 9 days and do you know that I laugh my ass off every single time I hear a fart? Every time! I must have heard and dealt thousands of them up to this point in my life but they're funny and when a bunch of guys are sitting around and someone farts we can go on entertaining ourselves for hours. Women can't do that. Women also don't ride their friends the way guys do....at least I've never seen it. With guys you have a group of friends and they basically talk shit and make fun of each other. If you're true friends nothing is taboo....the meaner and more personal the better. You see this is a defense mechanism that guys use. While joking and making fun we're doing 2 things: 1) establishing control of the group (at least during the time we're doing the joking) and 2) distracting the group from making fun of ourselves.

I thought the number of words we speak each day was interesting too. A guy might look at his friend and say, "Hey ball bag you wanna go to the movies tonight"? The friend might say, "Yeah" or "Nah". That's it! That's the conversation. Well you might ask "what are they gonna go and see?" Well, they'll figure that out when they get there.

2 women might say, "Hey (name) do you want to go to the movies tonight? (movie name) is playing and I heard it's supposed to be sooooo good. Brad Pitt is such a hunk." Friend" "Well, hmmmm, like, let's see....yeah maybe....what else is playing? What time do you want to go? Should we call (name) and see if she wants to go?"

Now before all you feminazis come down on me I am not bagging on chicks! I love chicks. I am just pointing out some interesting differences between the sexes that nobody (or at least me) ever gave much thought to! So go easy on me...after all without women nobody would have invented ear plugs! HA HA HA. Plus dudes are smarter!

The Big Day

I wanted to say a big fat HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Stinky today!!! The big 2 years old!! WAHOOO!!!!

Did anyone watch the State of the Union address last night. Of course I did. I had to see just how ridiculous Nancy Pelosi looked perched up in the Speaker's seat and it was BAD! Even worse was the President's introduction of her.....I thought he was gonna have an orgasm. Yes I know, he was just saying that and isn't really enamored with her. She thanked him by smiling that fake fucking smile for 60+ minutes. Then I got to watch the dems' response by Jim Webb and see, yet again, how fucking weak they are. They were mislead into the war my ass. That's the same as pleading ignorance which doesn't fly with me but obviously does with the moronic American public.

9 out of 10 Americans can ID Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears or Paris Hilton in a photo. However, about 1-2/10 can tell you the name of the Vice President, Speaker of the House, SECDEF, or Secretary of State. That says it all to me. Americans, by and large, are fucking idiots and VERY ignorant and misguided. But that's nothing we didn't already know.

It's cold as ass up here. Tomorrow is supposed to be in the single digits. Looks like I am gonna have to get out my bunny suit. You know the pink bunny suit Ralphie wears at the end of A Christmas Story? I got one of them. I like to sit on the couch watching TV in it and eat carrots.

My wife is having a bunch of cackling women over the house this afternoon with their rugrats for a miniature birthday party for Stinky. I am going to go out to eat after work so I don't get home until after they're all gone. My wife's gonna call me on my cell when the coast is clear. Then I am gonna come home and set up Stinky's big train in the living so she can ride around on it. In the meantime I will be at the German restaurant having a steak on a rock.

Speaking of food....can't wait to get another pubie-burger for lunch today! NICE!

The only other development is that we bought plane tickets for my wife and Stinky to fly to Germany from May to June. So I'll be home alone for a month. That's okay because, although I miss them when they're gone, I have many things to keep me occupied. That's it for now. TOODLES!

I....

I have genital herpies. Okay well I don't but did you ever see those gross fucking commercials? The guy says, "I have genital herpies" and then his girlfriend says, "... and I don't". WTF is that?!?! Well then if you don't want to get it then quit banging the fucking dude and start banging someone without it! The only thing worse than these are the floods of douche, tampon, maxi-pads and erectile dysfunction ads we're all barraged with every fucking day. There's a time and a place for this shit and it isn't during the AFC Championship game!!! After all what the fuck do I care about how these pads have wings and those douches are fresh as a summer's eve or how a guy's cock and balls might fall off because he has genital herpes!!!!????

We just got a new chick at work and holy balls is she smoking hot! I swear that I had half-a-wood in our meeting Friday with her.

We spent the weekend in NY at my wife's sister's house for a big party Saturday night. We played poker and shit and I was up like $100.00 and kept playing and playing and ended up down about $30.00 so no big deal....but I shoulda quit while I was ahead.

Wednesday is Stinky's birthday. We had a cake for her yesterday at my mom and dad's house. I cannot frigging believe she's gonna be 2 already.

I just grabbed a burger from the cafeteria at work and after eating about half of it I found a bunch of hairs in it clumped up in a little ball. They look like pubies too with little crusty flakes attached to them and they smell very odd....like a wet dish towel that fell behind the kitchen counter and sat there for like 3 months before you get it out of there-musty type smell.

Damn I want my fucking car back...enough with this goddamn Chevy Impala rental car!!!! I think my car will be ready Thursday....jeez I can't wait. They wanted to give me a PT cruiser when I went to the rental car place....I told them I wouldn't drive it and gimme something else. Much like the elderly, I do not care for PT cruisers.

Well, just wanted to let you all know I am still here. I know I have been sporadic with the blogging but things have been busy. I'll improve it though. Toodles for now!

Fucking Deers

Well tomorrow I drop my car off to be fixed from my collision with a deer last week. $3,500.00 big ones it's gonna cost. JESUS! Well, at least I don't have to pay it. I will have a rental car for about the next week that I can use and abuse. The only shitty thing is that I'll have to pull over and have the rental car searched every morning when I come onto the base to work since I won't have a Dep't of Defense sticker on it.

Got my drumset. FUCKING AWESOME! I have never been a big fan of electic drums...in fact I hated them. However, I spent the extra $$$ and it was worth it....they sound exactly like acoustic drums and they make it easy to record and stuff. Plus I can just wear headphones and play when Stinky is sleeping!

It's colder than an eskimo's cornhole up here. It's been in the teens and single digits with the wind chill. Bogus dude.

I am making a huge effort to not watch American Idol this season. I skipped it last night. It's gotten to be too much of a circus. I watched every episode since it started until last night. Now that it is such a big thing I am moving away from it. I like lower key type things unless of course it involves me drawing attention to myself through various drunken antics and shenanigans!

Well that's about it. Nothing new going on. I'll chime in again before the weekend. Hope everyone is doing well!

Worth a mention

Yesterday at the White House, President Bush awarded the Medal of Honor to Marine Corporal Jason Dunham posthumously. It amazes me that the media is so focused on that fat pig Rosie O’Donnell’s feud with Donald Trump that the story got barely a mention.

In the spring of 2004 CPL Dunham and his marine brothers were on a patrol in Iraq when they stopped a suspicious Iraqi in a pickup truck. As CPL Dunham went to remove the Iraqi from the vehicle the Iraqi attacked him while simultaneously dropping a live hand grenade. With his buddies nearby (within the effective range of the grenade) CPL Dunham kneed the Iraqi in the chest to get him to release the grip around his throat. Then in an unbelievable act of bravery and heroism, CPL Dunham quickly removed his Kevlar helmet, covered the grenade with it and laid on top of it as it exploded. CPL Dunham selflessly saved the lives of several of his brothers. The Iraqi also lived and got up and began to run away from the scene. One of CPL Dunham’s marine brothers then opened fire on the Iraqi and fired 25 rounds at him as he ran and rightfully killed him and let him lay there in the street like the savage he was. A subsequent search found arms and additional grenades in the pickup truck. CPL Dunham survived for several days. He was medevaced to Baghdad, then to Landstuhl, Germany and then on to Bethesda Medical Center in Washington D.C. His parents met him there but never got to say goodbye because CPL Dunham was unconscious the whole time and on life support because his brain was so swollen that he lost the ability to breathe on his own. He had asked his parents to pull the plug should anything ever happen to him and not let him have to live on life support. They did.

Why did a story like this barely get a mention in the media? Why is a hero like this not praised and celebrated more? Why is every story about Iraq a negative one while nobody mentions all of the heroic things these men and women are doing or all of the good they’re bringing to this country?

It makes me even angrier when I hear people like John Kerry, that worthless waste of oxygen go on about the military and how bad it is. Well you know what? There was more purpose, drive, selflessness, heroism, worth, valor and honor in CPL Dunham’s pinky than most people will ever witness in a lifetime. People like Kerry do not even deserve to be mentioned in the same context as this heroic young marine.

Well done CPL Dunham. I hope you’re in a better place now. We’re proud of you and I thank you for your service. Bless your family and loved ones. Although nothing can replace their loss, I hope they find solace and pride in your deeds and can live on through those you saved. You are a hero. Semper Fi.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me....

Okay I know you're gonna have a laugh at this. Well it seems the wildlife have gotten their revenge on me. All the bogus stories about having stepped on my cat's head and hitting a dog on my way to work....well this morning I hit a deer on my way to work. No shit this time. It cracked my front bumper and dented the hood of my shiny new SUV. Luckily that's all that happened and it didn't end up coming through my windshield or anything like that. Well, it's not too bad because I have a very low comprehensive deductible so I will only have to pay a few bucks for it but still.....what the fuck are the odds of that! If I never made those bogus stories up this never would have happened. And don't ask me what happened to the deer...that fucker.

Oh man I was so pissed off. I am over it now though.

Nothing else new. I am babysitting tonight. My wife is going to hang out at her friend's house for a while tonight so I am staying home and watching stinky. Not that I mind....she loves her daddy time and we always have a blast. Plus she's really good and easy to watch.

Well that's all...just wanted to let you all know that the animals got vengeance on me!

Cuidado--Piso Mojado

You ever see those signs about slippery floors in the store after they've mopped? Well I like to seek them out and walk by and fall on purpose....usually I take out the sign and everything when I do it. Every time my wife and I are out somewhere and we come across one of those signs she says, "Oh Jesus...here we go" and walks the other way. That's when I work my fake fall magic.

Not too much is new lately. Just working hard (ummm yeah). I am waiting on my shit to show up from musician's friend dot com (free plug). I got my drumset, sticks, PA speaker stands, condenser microphone, pre-amp and some other stuff on the way. The fed ex page said estimated delivery of today but now those pinko fucks changed it to tomorrow. I cannot wait. I sold my drums right before I graduated from mid-hudson tech and have been dying to get another set since then (1996). I have only played a few times over the last 10 years (in a band in Germany for a while and then filling in sometimes in my wife's band in Germany) but that's it....now it's on baby!

Well, 5 days ago it was in the 60s and now it is in the teens. Holy fuckballs it's colder than a well-diggers ass out there! I am even freezing my nads off sitting here at my desk working away!

Stinky's birthday is coming up in 13 days. I can't believe it's been 2 friggin' years already. Holy shit that went by fast!

In less than a month I will be 33 years old....that's fucking old! I already have my birthday present so there's really nothing else to look forward to.

Let's see what else.....Oh I have mother's day all planned out already for my wife and my mom. My dad and I are gonna take them over to Hotel Thayer at West Point for the Mother's Day champagne brunch. Best brunch EVER...hands down! I have been there a few times for it on normal Sundays and it is phenominal.....for Mother's Day they do it even better. Should be awesome.

Dude I cannot wait to start fucking golfing again! I have the bug and it's killing me to get back out on the golf course. I am a ridiculous golf nut and the only thing I enjoy as much is playing music and boating. But I bought new clubs towards the end of the golf season so I think I am itching to play even more because the clubs are still really new. Make sense? No? Awwww go fuck yourself.

We have a luncheon at work today at the Officers' Club for a guy who is retiring in a few weeks. That's should be pretty cool. They have good food.

Well I think that's about it. I am gonna run for now. Be talking to you.....TOODLES.

The Big Move

So my wife and I were sitting around Friday night and we're like, "Hey why don't we throw a bunch of shit out and move Samantha's room downstairs and turn her old room into a music studio/sports/game room?" So all day Sunday we ran around throwing shit out and did the big move. We put my wife's computer desk up on the loft next to mine and moved Stinky's bed and furniture downstairs and my 5 guitars, recording gear, PA system, keyboard, futon and Playstation/Tv upstairs. I am also going to be buying a drum set shortly....I miss having a drum set. Anyway, the layout of the house is so much better now with more room everywhere.

I had a couple friends over Sat night for poker....I had the shittiest cards all night long. I usually do very well but I sucked ass Sat. and ended up losing.

Back to work....this will be my first full work week in about a month and a half. That sucks. It's gonna seem like forever. Well, next week is a short week because I have Monday off.....NICE!

Anyways, I have some shit to go and do....and I have to shit so I will blog more either later or tomorrow. TOODLES!

Come on over here baby!

When's the last time you heard a good pick up line? Have you ever heard a good pickup line? I've landed a couple broads in my day with some good pickup lines but more often than not they fail. Women just cannot seem to get over the "cheese factor" of a good pickup line. Now to be totally honest, I have never used a pickup line in a serious manner....I have done it a million times as an ice breaker or on a dare or as a joke. It worked a couple times because the chick would assume I was doing it as a joke and applauded the sense of humor. More often than not women would take it seriously and run away. Even now when I go out with my wife I am not above doing ridiculous things and hitting on girls with corny pickup lines is one of my absolute favorite things to do. Some of my favorites:

Mmmmm baby you're so fine I'd drink your bath water

Mmmmm baby, your skin's so smooth.....just like a buttermilk biscuit

Hey someone farted....what do you say we get out of here!

Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd love to tap that ass!

Don't I know you? Didn''t we go to different schools together?

Other than pickup lines I have been know to do the fake fall. I have an uncanny talent for pretending to fall down and make it look TOTALLY real. My M.O. is that I do it in front of a group of chicks and latch onto the one who gives me the most sympathy. It's all good fun and part of an ongoing life long social experiment that I am doing for no other reason than to have some fun.

What kinds of lines have you used or heard or what antics have you been witness to? I was hoping that your replies could serve as 1) entertaining and 2) educational things for me to add to my arsenal.

Who put this hair in my cola????

It is usually really pleasant where I work because throughout the day they play relaxing music over the PA system. There's a lot of modern adult contemporary music, top 40, a little bit of country and a little bit of rock n roll. There's also a whole lotta Bee Gees. That's right, everyone's favorite rhinestone jumpsuit-clad group of falsetto brothers. Those wild and crazy Gibbs. Barry, Maurice and the other guy....like the 3rd tenor nobody knows his name....but he puts the G in Bee Gees. There was also Andy Gibb but he was never part of the Bee Gees and died at the tender age of 30.

They started off their career with hits like "I Can't See Nobody" and immediately declared their rebellious attitude with such prominent use of a double negative. They moved on and wowed us with hits like "Jive Talkin'". Then during the dawn of disco they turned that mutha out with "How Deep is Your Love", "Stayin' Alive" and "Night Fever".

Good times. Good times. I miss those classics almost as much as I miss the swaying of John Travolta's sexy ass in Saturday Night Fever. That was the pinnacle of disco and music would never be the same. Unfortunately as the lights dimmed from under the acrylic and plexiglass disco dance floors of the world so too did the Bee Gees' career. Anyway, I just thought I would share one of those moments I treasure as I sit at my desk at work and groove to the luscious sounds of the Brothers Gibb. About the only one I enjoy listening to more is Tom Jones. He is THE MAN! Every woman thinks he's a hunk (whether they believe that or not). I get in arguments all the time with my wife that she thinks he's hot. She's says she doesn't think he is but she's just being coy. He is THE MAN.

I had a crappy morning this morning. I hit a poor dog on my way to work this morning. He ran right out in front of me and by the time I saw him there was nothing I could do about it. There was nobody around and it was still dark out so I kind of just drove off. I didn't know what else to do.

Well what else is new pussycat? I've developed a post-it note habit. I used to hate those fucking people that have 10,000 post it notes stuck to everything in and around their workspace. Now I have a bunch of them.....though I am still not too bad. So I went through a dedicated effort this morning to either record the post-it note data in my outlook contacts, notes, a word document or just throw it away because it had old and useless information on it. My area looks much better and a lot less cluttered now. And I hate clutter.

I think this weekend I am gonna clean out my shed. It's kind of cluttered right now because I have some stuff in there for the winter from my boat and some new stuff I got that I haven't decided to put away yet. So we'll see how that goes.

I am starting to develop a real hatred for our cat. Last night I was sitting on the couch with my feet up on the coffee table playing Playstation2 and the little fucker kept jumping on the table and attacking my feet. So I would gently nudge it and shoo it away but he kept coming back and doing it over and over. So I picked it up and yelled at it and then he laid on the couch next to me and showed me his asshole.

Kidding about the dog

Happy Fucking New Years

Well it's 2007!!! Countless pencil erasers will be widdled down to nubs by school children around the world who take that first month of January to remember that hey, it's 2007 not 2006!

I had off of work yesterday because the President declared it a national day or mourning for the late President Ford's death and since I work for the government I had off. That makes two 4 day weekends in a row and two 3 day work weeks in a row! NICE!

I am pretty excited that 3 weeks from today is Samantha's birthday and she turns 2!!!! Holy crap two years old already! Boy how time has flown when it comes to my little stinky. We already bought her birthday presents and stuff so that's all taken care of. My parents are going to put more money into her college fund also. I am very happy to know that her college is being taken care of....she will not have to owe a dime to go to whatever college she decides she'd like to go to. That's always been a HUGE priority of mine.

Speaking of birthdays I know someone else who has one coming up only about a month away. Some skinny Italian kid named Vinny is gonna be the big 33!!!! I already got my birthday present too! Sony playstation 2! I am not a big video game nerd or anything but once in a while I just like to sit there and put in a game and start shooting motherfuckers and letting some frustration out. Better than running around really shooting people!

We had a New Years party at my parents' house and it was a lot of fun. Good food, pictionary, trivial pursuit, all kinds of stuff. It was a lot of fun. Remarkably I barely drank anything. It's the first New Years in a couple years I was stone sober for. That's okay though....at least now I remember it!

Overall the holidays were awesome. Much more so for the fact that I have a Stinky now to make happy and she loved Christmas and all the gatherings and food and things like that. Yesterday we spent the entire morning taking down all of our Christmas stuff and it was a little depressing. But every year time goes by faster and faster for me and before I know it, I'll be digging out the decorations and stuff and putting them up again. But for now it is time to focus on other things.....namely looking forward to launching my boat and the upcoming golf season.

I was in my shed yesterday putting Christmas stuff away and had to take my golf clubs out and swing them a few times.....ahhhh the feeling I miss so much during winter. I also went through a bunch of my fishing stuff and determined that I am going to do some cleaning and maintenance on it before the end of March when I put my boat back in the water. I think I am going to stick with my current boat for this year and then trade it in for a nice pontoon boat party barge. I bought my boat primarily because I can ski from the thing because it hauls ass. Well I still haven't done it yet so now I will trade it in after this year and get one of those awesome barges with a live well for fish and put a nice grill on it and just tool around the lake like the old man that I am. Plus it will be more enjoyable for Stinky because of the wide open deck space.

The in laws want us to come to Germany for Christmas 2007. My wife and daughter will most likely go but I don't think I am going to. Things get too busy at work and too hectic around the holidays and in my position I feel like I need to be here to put out the fires and make sure things get done. So unfortunately I may not be with Stinky this Christmas....but I am still hoping that they'll end up staying here.

Well that's about it for now....I have bored you long enough. I will try and get back to a normal blogging schedule now. Oh by the way....anybody need any fruit cake? I got about 10 of them I am looking to unload.