Fromunda Cheese is Good

How was everyone's Christmas? Hopefully all went well for everyone. My Christmas was awesome. Just watching Stinky open her stuff and play with everything and get really excited was the best. Although I got some cool stuff I was just happy about Stinky. My wife loved her stuff too. I gotta say, I did a better job picking out presents for everyone this year than ever before.

So how about the year's biggest celebrity breakups.....or the year's funniest commercials? Get the fuck out of here and get a life!

Who has big plans for New Year's? We're just going up to my parents' house for the night. We sit around and play boards games and have a bunch of food. I always beat everyone's ass in Trivial Pursuit. It's always pretty fun.

Work is pretty dull this week. A lot of people just take the whole week off to use up their vacation time and stuff.

I am getting pretty fired up about the new year starting. It'll be nice now that there will only be about 3 months until I can put my boat back in the water and start going mountain biking and stuff again. I mountain bike all year but in the snow and stuff I can't go on the crazy trails I usually like to go on. I am also thinking of taking up a new hobby....rock climbing. It's something we trained on and did in the army. It's scary as balls don't get me wrong but it's great exercise plus I like rapelling so I can do that too. Wifey's not too thrilled about my new found curiosity but hey...I wanna climb some rocks and the poconos is awesome for it. I'd love to get a kayak too but that might have to wait....I have enough toys for now.

Well, I am gonna go and get some more coffee. If I don't talk to ya have a great new year. Once all these damn holidays are over we'll see if we can't get back on a regular blogging schedule. Now excuse me while I try and un-jam this zucchini I got wedged into the crack of my ass!!!

Year End Review

It's that time of year. We're now going to be subjected to all the year end lists and reviews. Year's best sports plays; Year's biggest celebrity feuds; Year's biggest fashion faux pas; Year's biggest events....and on and on and on. Does anyone really give a fuck? I mean once you boil it all down nothing's really changed right? Britney Spears is still a dirty whore; Tom Cruise and many others are still Scientology asshole cult members; Kirstie Alley is still a fat slob; Paris Hilton is still a worthless fucking pig; Iran should still be annihalated...along with the rest of the middle east (Israel excluded); and Rosie O'Donnell is an ugly turd-head.

Speaking of news can't you just see the media salivating? Why? Because so far in the war on terror the U.S. has lost 2,950+ soldiers. Can you not see them waiting and salivating and longing for the day the body count hits 3,000? A nice round number? Oh Vinny....you must be crazy....the media would NEVER hope for anything like that. Really? If you believe that then you're a fucking moron and not worth my time.

Sandy Berger--the fat piece of shit that was President Clinton's national security adviser--was found to have lied on numerous occassions about removing classified documents from the national archives. He removed them and hid them in a construction site because he did not want the 9/11 commission to subpoena them because it would make himself and the Clinton administration look bad. He received a $50,000 fine and 100 hours of community service. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! I work with classified material every day and let me tell you....it's a big deal. It should be treated as a big deal. All this does is set a precedent that if you knowingly remove, destroy, hide or tamper with classified material--then lie about it-- you can just get away with a fine and some community service. Well, at least if you were the national security adviser.

Last night I rubbed butter all over myself and went outside naked and played Bocce ball in my back yard. Good times...good times.

What's everyone's new years resolution gonna be? Let me know. I haven't decided what mine will be yet. I am leaning towards doing more for our service members. That's probably what I will do because it's worthwhile and a great cause. This year I sent a bunch of any soldier mail and I contributed a bunch of money to Sean Hannity's Freedom Alliance. Next year I am gonna try and do more. Maybe sponsor a service member or two at Walter Reed Medical Center or something like that.

My government boss is taking us out for lunch today and paying for everything. NICE! Surf and Turf for me!!!

I killed my cat last night....but it was an accident. I was standing on a chair changing a light bulb and when I was done I jumped down off the chair and landed right on her head. She never felt a thing though.

My wife and I are going to the stores this Saturday morning. That should be a doozy. I did all my shopping online this year just so I could avoid the stores. Now she's dragging me out to get one or two last minute things. Get ready because it's gonna be a battle. I have no problem whatsoever telling these fanatic fucking assholes what I think of them when they're blocking aisles in the store or elbowing you out of the way trying to jockey for a better position in line. And I am always right and they're always wrong. That's how I see it.

Well that's about it for now. I'll try and blog again tomorrow....maybe otherwise I will talk to you next week and we can maybe come up with some year end lists of our own. So again, Merry Christmas just in case I don't talk to ya before then!

Oh and I am kidding about the cat so calm the fuck down and stop hyperventilating now.

Merry Christmas

Just wanted to pop in and wish everyone Merry Christmas. *GASP* That's right...I said CHRISTMAS! We're all ready to go. Everything's bought and wrapped. Stinky is anxiously awaiting Ho Ho so she can open all her presents. And she has a TON of them. I am not gonna lie either....I can't wait to open my stuff! I love presents....LOVE 'EM! So does my wife and she has a gazillion of them too. I make no bones about the fact that I am in it primarily for the presents since I am a materialistic bastard. But the best part will be Stinky.

I always hate this week at work. There are a lot of people out next week since they take the whole week off between X-mas and New Year. Therefore a lot of people try and cram everything in the world into this week and get a ton of stuff done before next week's exodus. Well Vinny doesn't work that way. My boss started in with it already. "Hey Vinny we need to make sure of this and do that by the end of the week". So I says to him, "Hey Paul...Vinny is gonna do the same shit this week as he does the other 51 weeks of the year. All that happens when you try and cram this stuff in is that it gets done half-ass or all fucked up so no, I will not jump through my ass to try and rush to failure and screw everything up". He thought about it and agreed....good.

I got a Christmas card from my co-worker Mary Ann this morning that had one of those scratcg off lottery tickets in it. I didn't win shit.....It's a Christmas Miracle!

I have to stop by the grocery store on my way home today....AGAIN! You see what happened is that I had bought a bunch of shrimp because I am gonna make steamed Old Bay shrimps for X-mas eve appetizers. Well anyway last night I couldn't resist the lure of the shrimp in the freezer and I dumped them all into my underwear and sat on the couch and listened to old Wham! records and did a crossword puzzle. It's just another way I like to relax and pass time.

I farted a little while ago while I was over by the microwave and fridge in the break area. Some woman came to get a drink out of the fridge and was like, "Wow, what's that smell?" I said, "Some dude just microwaved some fish a few minutes ago". She nodded and walked away. I think she bought it. I hope so because she was hot. Older lady but hot!

When do the 12 days of Christmas start? I know it's 12 days long but when is it?

On my desk at work I have like 5 picture frames with pics of Stinky and me and my wife in them. I have started to put them on random other workers' desks and wait until they notice and see what they do. So far it's taken everyone a long time to notice but they think it's a hoot when they finally figure it out.

I am planning a family trip to North Carolina in March. Not sure for how long yet but it's gonna happen. I will be bringing a few of my costumes along with me.

I just read an article that PA is making the decision today on who will receive the final licenses to open slot machine casinos. There's one already not too far from here in Wilkes-Barre at the horse track but it's operating under a conditional license and it's very small with not too many machines. The resort where I play in my golf league--Pocono Manor--is one of the applicants and so is Mount Airy which is also nearby. At least one of the 2 is assured to receive a license. Can you say CHA-CHING! My property value is gonna fucking skyrocket! Not to mention that the revenue is going to be used to reduce property taxes so I am gonna make out like a bandit. Good shit. It's a Christmas Miracle!

Well that's about it I guess. I don't know if/when I will blog again this week. So if I do not then I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas or Happy Festivus...."for the rest of us".

Deck the Halls...and Play with My....

Wow....what an exhausting friggin' weekend. X-mas party on Saturday night and X-mas party on Sunday night....my my aren't we the popular ones! Yeah right. Anyway Saturday night was with some acquantances of ours....I wouldn't call them real friends....we just hang out once in a while. Anyway, we played a bunch of pool...drank, ate, drank, played some music, ate again....yada yada yada. It was pretty fun. Then last night (who the fuck has parties on Sunday?!?!?) we went to the record company X-mas party. That was pretty cool too. Usually the last thing I want to do is show up somewhere and hang out with a bunch of people I have never met. Well, we did and it was actually fun. There were a bunch of good people there....most of whom play in bands and/or are looking for a record deal or studio time or publishing. We had to leave early because Stinky was with us and she had to get home and go to bed so we ended up hanging out from about 6pm to about 8:45 pm. At any rate we're supposed to get together in the near future with the folks from the company and talk about some stuff. We'll see what happens.

I am really out of the loop as far as current events go. It's a terrible feeling because I like being aware of all the latest developments.....therefore I have some catching up to do. Between all this holiday stuff and studying I haven't had too much free time.

Well, I will blog again once I get caught back up on everything. It's a rough week at work this week because everyone always tries to cram everything in this week and get stuff done before Christmas week because not many people are around by then. So I'll blog you when I blog you. TOODLES!

Some food for thought

Victim O' Da Man!!!



Nuff said



The man was talented but a genius?!?!



Hmmmm....Donuts??




Looks like evolution isn't foolproof



How fucking sexy is that?!?!?! The one on the lft is nice too!



Samantha is not allowed tor ide this ride.

Pig Story

I never knew this until I was stationed there but Germany has HUGE numbers of wild pigs….you know, wild boars. They’re fast, aggressive and plain nasty! They are EVERYWHERE too. Well near where I was stationed in Friedberg we had a local training area that was out in the middle of the woods on a mountain. It’s called FTA—Friedberg Training Area. Anyway we used to go out there for small unit level training events in squads and platoons and do primarily dismounted training without our Bradley Fighting Vehicles. Anyway when I was a platoon leader I brought my platoon out there for like 3 days to do a bunch of training. Well one of my sergeants--we’ll call him Goose—was TERRIFIED of wild pigs. I mean he would nearly shit himself even just talking about them. So one night we finished training and set up a perimeter and went into our sleep plan at 50% security….this means that half the platoon is always awake at regular intervals around the perimeter and they pull security. Well when it was Goose’s turn to sleep I hatched a little scheme….we’d been telling him all day that we were gonna leave food out to lure in the hogs. He would scream at us, “You fucking better not!!!” Well that night when it was his turn he climbed into his fart sack (sleeping bag) and went right to sleep. So I grabbed a washcloth from my rucksack, rolled it up and wet the end of it. The idea here was to simulate a pig snout. Well once he was good and asleep I unzipped the top of his fart sack right where his head was. I then proceeded to grunt and make pig sounds and touch his face with the wet washcloth. The whole fucking platoon was watching through their night vision goggles (nods). They had to cover their mouths because they couldn’t keep from laughing their asses off. Well I kept poking Goose with the rag and grunting in my best hog call fashion. I also had my nods on so I could see his reaction. Well his eyes suddenly opened and almost popped out of his head. He jumped up so fucking fast and tried running but he didn’t realize he was still zipped up in his fart sack…..so he fucking tumbles down this big ass hill screaming the whole fucking time. Once he rolled all the way down he unzipped himself and started just running and screaming. It was like an hour and a half until he came back. We were fucking crying we were laughing so damn hard. When he finally came back his face was all bruised and shit….turns out while he was running he kept running into trees and bushes because he didn’t have his nods on. Dude, that was the hardest I have ever fucking laughed in my life. I learned 2 things that night…..Goose was really afraid of the hogs and I do a really good fucking pig call.

2 nights later I was chased by a wild hog while I was laying in the bushes hiding and simulating the enemy for my guys. I was waiting to ambush them so I could evaluate how they’d react when I heard a loud screech and turned around to see a little fucking pig running straight at me….I took off like a motherfucker down the road. I guess that was some kind of twisted payback. Those little fuckers were mean SOBs.

No Big Deal

So let me fill you in on a small development going on here in NEPA. I told you we went to Karaoke after our Christmas party this past Saturday. Well, while we were there my wife sang a few songs after which some dude came up to talk to her. I thought he was just a random dude just flirting or coming to say hi or something. Turns out he owns a small local record company. He asked her what type of stuff she did and she said nothing really, just fiddles around with music at home and we record stuff at home that her husband (me) writes. Anyway, his Vice President was also there and she asked my wife to send her some songs. Anyway, we sent them some songs....like 4 I think that I wrote and we recorded on my digital 8 track at home. Well she called last night and said she loved them and invited us to their record company's Christmas Party this Sunday. I thought that was pretty cool. Now I am not expecting anything obviously but it would be pretty cool to record a song or two in a studio with someone who knows what they're doing with mixing and mastering....that's the hard part. I always have problems sharing my songs with people because they're all super personal about things that I have lived, done, dealt with, loved and hated. However, I do make exceptions....especially if there's a chance I might get to make a pseudo-professional recording out of it. Anyway at the X-mas party there's gonna be all the record company people and the owner's band and a bunch of other people in the record business from NE PA and Philly and stuff. Should be an adventure. I will have to bring my guitar in case anyone wants me to play something because all my songs sound better on my 12 string. Well that's that and we'll see what happens.

In other news, I have devised a way to make glue out of the funk between my toes and mixing it with some boogers and ground up toenails. Works like a charm!!

Well I have to run to a meeting now....I will blog again later and maybe tell a story. Talk to you in a bit.

I Collect Belly Button Lint

It's true....I have a big Hellman's mayonaisse jar full of belly button lint collected from the past 6 or 7 years. I even have lint from other people in there. It's a varitable cornucopia of color and fragrance. Sometimes I leave the lid to the jar off to full the house with navel aromatic scents mixed with old mayo. *SNIFF* AHHHHHH.

Just kidding but wouldn't that be cool as hell? Maybe I will start collecting belly lint and melt some wax and make a belly lint candle. YUMMY!

Hey, I am a democratic politician...I just won the majority in the house and senate. I am gonna raise minimum wage!!!! I am a hero right?

Wrong...you're a fucking moron. Sure it benefits those who become employed in these type of positions.....[dramatic pause] HOWEVER, get your calculator out so we can start tallying how many jobs are lost to outsourcing, overseas work and companies automating many more processes who rely on these minimum wage employees. It hurts 10 times more than it helps.

Okay now that I got my token dem slam in I can move on.

I stopped at the store on the way home last night and it went very well....until I got to the register. There was my cashier--a black girl about 16 or 17 who was about as motivated as a retarded slug; the cashier from the next lane--same age white girl who tried to speak like a Puerto Rican or black girl; and the bagger--black dude about 17 or 18. First of all, I didn't know there were 2 black people around this area! I am not saying that in a bad way there just don't happen to be many minorities around here. DISCLAIMER: this story has nothing to do with the race, creed, color, ethnicity of the subjects.

Well I was putting my shit on the conveyor belt. I was the only person in either line so all 3 geniuses were talking while the black girl scanned my stuff. They were talking about another girl who was not present. They were talking about how this girl is a slut and the black guy shouldn't talk to her anymore and how the girl thinks she knows Spanish but doesn't. White girl says, "Oh she be thinking she be knowin' Spanish too but she don't be knowin' none o' DAT. She be thinking eight is ocho and shit". I felt the need to interject and tell her that 8 IS ocho. She replied with something like, "Psss, you know what I mean". So that's when I invited myself into the conversation. I said "Dana, I don't know what you be meaning because I haven't understood a word you've said other than ocho". I continued and told her that "you probably shouldn't be talking about inappropriate things and cursing in front of customers". It was at this point that she walked away and went to the "cashier's lounge". So I told the black dude who was bagging my stuff "hey man, you want my opinion? If you have to choose someone to not hang out with I would choose Dana because she's about as intelligent as the rock I have stuck in my shoe right now. I would be embarrased to be seen in the same store as her if I was working here." So he and the black girl laughed and nodded in approval. Then the black girl was scanning my last 2 items....2 bags of frozen shrimp that were $8.99 a piece. The scanner didn't work and she asked me how much they were and I told her I didn't know so she punched in $3.00 each. NICE!

Moral of the story: I like to think maybe I talked some sense into one of those stupid fucking kids. Man, I really don't remember anyone in my school when I was that age that was so fucking stupid or ignorant as a girl like that. And that's saying something because there were some real fucking retards in my school. No wonder people are growing up to be morons! There is no fucking way in hell I am letting my daughter go to public school and be subjected to that. I don't care how good the school district I live in is.

Well maybe later I will blog about the wild pig story. It's actually 2 stories in one. If not maybe I will tell it tomorrow. At any rate--peace out!

-T-Bone

Funny Stuff

Okay I got this e mail this morning from a co-worker which is an excerpt taken from an actual memo at IBM dealing with employees replacing the balls in their computer mice. It reads as follows:

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

This got me and my buddy Dan e mailing back and forth about some funny stuff like that we ran across in the Army.

There was an incident while our battalion was deployed to Kosovo in 200-2001 where a fake intelligence report was released about a local farmer who shot another local man when he found him making love to one of his cows. The memo made it all the way to the Pentagon. While I wouldn't put this action past any of those savages this incident never actually happened.

Another pretty good one: While I was in Bosnia back in 1997-1998 we used to go out on patrols through the local area. We were just there to show our presence so the locals kept from killing each other. After every patrol the patrol leader had to go to the headquarters tent for a debriefing with the battalion commander and intelligence guys. They would ask a series of questions about what we saw, any interactions we had and other general observations. Well I had done a bunch of these as the patrol leader and all the questions were routine. That's until one day I came back from a patrol and went to my de-briefing and the intel guys started asking me about the chickens I saw in people's yards and other assorted livestock. The question was something like, "Would you say the chickens you saw were average or above average in size as compared to farm chickens you've seen back in the states?" I was like, "Yes....why do you ask?" I was told that the powers that be looked at this information as an indicator of how the economy was doing. In other words, fat chickens meant that the locals had enough money to buy an adequate amount of food for their chickens--skinny chickens meant people were poor. Now I never spent much time on a chicken farm but what could I say? They looked like fucking chickens!!! So then I started elaborating about the 2 headed cow I observed and a chicken that was the size of a turkey and was eating another chicken! The intel guys got all riled up and started releasing economy reports indicating that the economy was making great progress because some patrols were observing turkey-sized chickens in the local area. Now I don't know if these reports ever made it to the big 5 sided building in Arlington, VA but I know they made it to the commanding general's headquarters in Tuzla.

Hey listen....can't blame me for that. We had to do something for fun. What else is there when you live in a canvas fucking tent through the assnuts cold winter and have to trudge about 300 yards down the road through the snow and mud to the porta potty to take a piss or shit? All we had were mail-ordered cigars, another small canvas tent that served as a makeshift coffee shop and good ol' fashioned pranks and jokes to play on each other like the chicken intelligence reports.

Cornhole say what?!?!?!

Anybody watch House last night? Midgets!! You see? House wasn't all overly sensitive with the midget mother and they got along just fine.

My wife is driving up to her sister's today with Stinky and they're spending the night. So I will be all alone tonight. I might have to yank out the porn and get to work!!!

I have to stop at the store on the way home and do some shopping. It's all foggy and rainy out today so it is the last thing I feel like doing. Oh well....duty calls.

Work is gonna suck today...we have a big teleconferenc ethis afternoon with our program office in Huntsville, AL. Always a giant pain in the ass. I won't get into the reasons why but lets just say it's no wonder there's so much wasteful gov't spending (I am not talking about me here).

Anyway, sorry I don't have anything creative or controversial for ya this morning. Maybe later I will? If so I will let you know. Later.

...And a Midget in a Pear Tree

Oh that's right you're supposed to say "little people" right? Tell me, is "little people" really that much better than midget?!?! I don't play the PC bullshit game. I call them midgets, stewardesses, fat, retards, etc. They've been known as that for years and now all of a sudden we're supposed to create new terms of sensitivity and cater to everyone? Fuck off. Just because I call a little dude a midget doesn't mean I have anything against him!

Anyone know who Rep Silvestre Reyes is? He's the Texas democratic rep that Nacy Pelosi has appointed as the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee. Well in an interview yesterday he did not know the fundamental differences between Al Qaida or Hezbollah. He did not know what muslim sect they belonged to along with some other key characteristics of these groups. This fucking boner is going to be the new chairman of this powerful committee? Now granted....a lot Americans are fucking retards and cannot name their own representatives or 3 of the primary Presidential cabinet members or 1 or 2 of the supreme court justices...let alone know anything about the enemy we're fighting. However, you would think the person picked to chair this powerful house committee would know some basic characteristics about our enemies!!!! Or maybe I am wrong here....we should just fill these committee chairs with any old fucking moron as long as it's a member of your political party!!! Way to go Nancy Pelosi you ignorant San Francisco liberal piece of work. On election day the uninformed and ignorant voters of America made our country weaker. And you ain't seen nuttin' yet.

Jesus Christ....we have my wife's sister and fiancee coming down X-mas eve and spending the night and leaving early X-mas morning. Then X-mas morning my parents are coming down. Why is it I just can't have my empty fucking house with my wife and daughter and I alone!!!! Every fucking day someone's coming or going like a goddamn gypsy colony!

I gotta tell you, I scanned the channels last night looking again for fruit of the loom commercials because this thing is really bothering me. I also wrote a letter to fruit of the loom to complain that grapes comprise 50% of the fruit of the loom guys but not NEARLY 50% of all actual fruit. This is a gross misrepresentation and we the people demand action! See? I have my own causes that I fight for.

I stopped at the store yesterday and ran into one of my biggest pet peeves EVER! Old ladies holding conference in the middle of the aisle in the store. This chaps my ass like nothing else. Now, anyone who knows me also knows I don't mind telling people how I feel. I think next time they hold a conference they'll move out of the way and do it. You know I respect old people and all that jazz but an asshole is an asshole and I don't care how old you are. Just because you're an old person and I respect you doesn't mean you should take that respect for granted and think it is owed to you because I don't play that game. You wanna be an asshole? I GUARANTEE I can be a bigger one. I am very good at it (NOTE: no confirmation or feedback is necessary from the peanut gallery here).

Boy...X-mas is in the air (except Seattle) and the decorations are up and X-mas music is playing everywhere at work! Pretty good stuff.....the only thing I don't like is that with everyone playing X-mas CDs on their computers while they work I can't hear my "Fabio's Fabio-lous Christmas Songs" CD so I have to put my earphones on. Oh well....doesn't matter....'tis the season.....

By the way....how did George Michael's "Last Christmas" and that communist vagina John Lennon's "War is Over" songs ever become accepted into the holiday music mainstream?!?! Oh yeah then there's the Elton John song and the Feed the World song. What the fuck? What nonsense! I want to hear Bing Crosby and Andy Williams and those guys...not George Michael who moonlights as a dick grabbing men's room patron and drug fueled traffic violator. Why is it that we have to ruin yet another fine tradition like Christmas songs with this leftist Feed the World bullshit. Feed my ass! Spend some of YOUR fucking money and feed the world and leave me out of it. I eat well, my wife eats well, and my daughter eats well....that's accomplishment enough for me. So hey Feed the World guys....go fuck yourself.....Elton and George, you go and smoke a pole...and John...well, just stay buried and take Yoko with you. Ho Ho Ho.

He's a GIANT DILDO!!

Who am I tlking about? Kofi Annan...the worthless fucking illiterate that runs the U.N. who is thankfully nearing the end of his term. What has he done? Jack fucking shit. He's too busy blaming the U.S. for everything instead of trying to address real issues in places like Darfur. I'd personally like to see someone hurl him off the roof of the U.N. building into the cesspool East River....right where he belongs. But do not despair....for surely another worthless fuck of a moron will take his place at the helm of the U.N.

Last night I was watching television and I saw something that made me think (I have been doing this a lot lately). I was waiting for 7th Heaven to come on at 8pm and was watching "Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout: Gary Coleman's--Scattered, Smothered and Covered Christmas" and a Fruit of the Loom commercial came on. I have been seeing these "Fruits" since I was a little kid as far back as I can remember. However, last night was the first time I ever noticed a couple things. First--does anyone know how many fruits there are out there? I don't either but there's got to be hundreds of them right? All different categories: melons, citrus, berries, etc. Well there are only 4 fruit selected as representatives for the Fruit of the Loom brand name and logo. 2 of the 4 fruits are grapes! That's 50% of their representation in grapes!!!

Does this bother anyone else? Don't you think the company should have chosen a more representative group from among all the fruits? Certainly the apple belongs and maybe even one grape guy but 2 of them? That fucks everything up.

Secondly....what's with the fucking pile of leaves walking around that qualifies as a fruit guy. I got onto the Fruit of the Loom website to see who this shady charater is and what fruit he is supposed to represent....alas, Leaf Guy--whose lawyer says could qualify as a fruit guy since fruit is often found attached to leaves. What?!?! WTF? So basically we have an apple, green grapes (which are good representation) then we have purple grapes (played by the token black dude) and leaf guy which is totally ridiculous. By the way, if they ever change and keep only one grape guy I hope they keep the green grapes.....not because I want the black dude to go or anything....I just like green grapes better.

Had our Christmas party Saturday night...it was pretty good....a little dry but I did my best to liven things up and not get fired in the process. Then my wife and I went to the Karaoke bar. That was fun. Sunday I just did some stuff around the hizzouse but I guess it was a pretty good weekend. This Saturday we have another X-mas party to go to over at a friend's house. I am not planning on staying long at all. I need some Vinny time to just relax and not have to be around all these damn people.

SO this Wednesday my wife is driving up to her 1/2 sister's house in NY with Stinky for her birthday. They're gonna stay the night so I am not too happy that when I get home after work Wednesday my little Stinky will not be there. I'll see her tomorrow night and then not again until I get home Thursday night. Oh well, I understand my wife likes hanging out with her sister and that's all she has here in the states. Good thing I am such an understanding guy...not to mention sexy as a motherfucker!

Anyways, gotta run and do some more work. TOODLES!

I Have a Dream!

Dude I had this fucking dicked up dream last night. It was fucked up. I was dreaming that I came home from work one day and instead of walking into the house and seeing my wife and daughter there was Juan Valdez and his trusty Donkey! A fucking BURRO in my living room!! So I walked over and started petting him and asked Juan what his name was and he told me it was Bartholemew. I started arguing with Juan Valdez himself about why Bartholemew is not a good name for a Donkey. Man, it was weird.

Little known fact: I once went with friends to a coffee house in NC during their "open mic night" and wrote down an ad-lib poem on a napkin and climbed on the stage to read it to everyone. I called myself Bartholemew Bartez and was approached afterward by a guy who asked me to join his poetry group.

Okay so the skin the cat story huh? Well a few years back my wife and I were living in North Carolina. We decided to come up to NY and visit my family over the holidays. Some very good friends of ours were also up north from NC and we worked out a meeting in NYC for New Years. Well we all met up in the city and spent the day wandering the streets like urban nomads. At some point throughout the day I felt it necessary to curse out an arab. I had to take a piss or something like that and he wouldn't let me because I didn't buy anything so I asked him, "Where the fuck are we....Kabul?" or something to that effect. Anyway we spent the day basically milling around and waiting for the night time and the festivities that come with it. Of course as we walked the streets of Manhattan I kept asking the group if we could go to the homeless shelter and volunteer serving food for a little while and I also seeked out panhandlers so I could throw money in their styrofoam cups and lecture them about how styrofoam is bad for the environment and contributes to global warming (talk about a run-on sentence!!). Later in the day we ate at Da Nico's down in little Italy that my good friend Joey Clams owns. After eating and me climbing a tree to save a kitten we were somewhat tired of walking so we descended the stairs into the vast underground network that is the NYC subway system. We bought our tokens and waited anxiously for our luxurious big silver train to come and stop to pick us up. When it finally did we stepped on. The train wasn't super crowded but it wasn't empty either. We all inhaled the glorious scents of the train car: urine, ass, smell o' bum, child vomit, feet and pine. At some point during our train ride there was a lull in our usually enthusiastic conversation so I felt the need to spruce things up just a tad. Never being one to shy away from a challenge I proceeded to mount the overhead handrails and start hanging upside down. I then mixed in a little exotic pole dancing in the middle of the train as some curious passengers began to nod their heads approvingly. This only encouraged me more. It was kind of hard to work it with no music so I had to start beat-boxing. Then I began working it harder than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest and was gyrating and pulsating my way into the hearts and minds of our fellow train riders. One passenger in particular took an unexplainable liking to me and started to offer me money but I think it was about that time our ride was coming to an end. The whole time my good friends were cheering me on...my wife--no stranger to my spontaneous antics--just looked on and smiled. It was a glorious day and the best train ride of our lives. As we started getting off the train I looked around at my fellow passengers and soaked in their adoration. I wondered how many of them were there on vacation or something and have never been to NY and would now go home and tell everyone about some skinny white kid who skinned the cat on the NY subway system.

Anyway there it is....if I left something out feel free to let me know.

Hey what's with women? Why is it sooooo bad that I refuse to buy tampons or pads when I go to the store by myself?!?! When I refuse my wife says, "Vinny, you're like a little kid sometimes!!!" Well no shit! I tell her, "Listen, the day you go to the adult book store and buy me a blowup doll and portable pocket vagina I will go and buy you your nasty feminine products". If we go shopping together (which we usually do) I won't even take those nasty things out of the shopping cart and put them on the conveyor belt. Just gives me the chills thinking about it. By the way, why is it called an adult bookstore and there's no fucking books anywhere?!?!?

Okay well, you're all paying my salary for me (thank you) so maybe I should go and get some work done right?!?! Hope you like my story. TOODLES!!!

My name is Harry Balzack

There was a congressional hearing recently on how the media is creating alarmism over global warming in the face of no evidence to support it. Amazingly this is getting almost no press coverage....you believe that?!?!? Say it isn't so! Here's a link to a great write up on it:

http://newsbusters.org/stories/cnn_anchor_falls_asleep.html

The funny thing is that CNN anchor Miles O'Brien fell asleep during the hearing. It also points out what a fucking moron Barabra Boxer is. It also describes how an NPR reporter hung up on a respected climatologist because he refused to say that global warming is being caused by human effects on carbon dioxide emissions. Good stuff.

I downloaded a few more songs for my iPod last night....3 Damien Rice songs. The dude is amazing. Love his stuff. I didn't know this but his debut LP was recorded in his living room and various hotel rooms around the world on a mobile music studio. I do some recording and know that it is not easy to get a quality product recording in this fashion. Although having a professional master the finished product certainly helps it is still not easy. I also downloaded one or two Gavin DeGraw songs...but not from iTunes....these are bootlegs of live performances. He's also brilliant.

I had to stop drinking Corona beers. I can't drink Corona unless there's a lime in it because it tastes like an elephant's cornhole by itself (yes I know what an elephant's cornhole tastes like). Anyway, I was watching "Huggy Bear's Christmas in Velvet" and during the commercial break I saw one of the Miller Lite "Man Law" commercials that declared "No fruit in beer" the new man-law. I tirelessly surfed the internet hoping to find some caviat that limes are a vegetable and not a fruit but alas...there were none. Then I desperately tried breaking open a Corona and stuffing a piece of broccoli in there but it tasted like a sweaty midget's underwear. So I aboandoned my search for a replacement for lime and will just stop with the Corona altogether.

Did you see that an airplane was diverted and had to land because someone farted? No shit! Seriously. There was a foul smell and passengers and crew got alarmed and the aircraft landed. After a brief investigation it was determined that a woman on the flight has a "condition" and she basically has super-stinky farts! She was not charged with anything but the airline banned her. So now I know that when I offend someone by floating up a greasy air-biscuit I can just say I have a "condition".

Did you ever go to eat at a restaurant and sit next to the window with your significant other? You sit there enjoying a delicious meal and BAM next thing you know there's a skinny white naked ass pressed up against the window? Me neither. But I have been on the other side of the glass. Ha ha ha!! Maybe I should tell some funny Vinny stories. If anyone wants a funny Vinny story let me know and I will put a few out there. I will try and remember them but I am sure I have forgotten about most of 'em.

Since I seem to mostly have female readers I want to put a question out there and see what the opinions are about it: Why do you think it is that dudes have such a thing about watching (or participating in) 2 or more hot chicks going at it together? By "going at it" I don't mean a competitive chess-match I mean....you know what I mean.

I took a different way to work this morning. Back roads, short cuts, etc but it ended up being 3 miles shorter than the way I usually take. Extra bonus was that there's a Dunkin' Donuts on the way....best coffee EVER on the face of the planet. Take your Starbucks $8.99 latte half caf no caf mochachino frappe flatulatta and stick it right up your ASS!!! My $1.50 super large coffee blows that shit right outta the water. NOODGE!

Alright...gotta go try and do some work folks. Be talking to ya!!!

Big Goings On....

Well not really anything big going on.

I am on a mission. I have been hearing all the talk on the radio and TV news like we always do this time of year....about how stores say "Happy Holidays" and "Season's Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas". Well I am raising the bullshit flag all the way up this year. I got my ears open and am going to immediately attack any well-wisher that treads around saying "Merry Christmas". I am happy that Wal-Mart is going back to saying Merry Christmas and it is a direct result of how much business they lost last year for being a bunch of vaginas and not saying it.

When the fuck did Christmas become a crime? It is a centuries-old tradition that is celebrated throughout much of the world. Much like Hannukah or Channukah (how the fuck you spell that?!?!) is. If a Jewish person says to me, "Happy Hannukah" I don't get all hot and bothered. I just say "You too man". You know what I hate? When someone fabricates a holiday like Kwanzaa (which was "made up" in 1967) and demands the same credentials be given it as something like Christmas or Hannuka!!!! Take your fake holidays and stick it!

Speaking of holidays and observances....my favorite is coming up next month....Hajj!!! That's right..when all those fucking savages head to Mecca for their pilgrimage to walk around a rock a bunch of times and trample over each other. Last year somewhere around 350 of them died. I was in Germany at the time and was subjected to BBC and CNN Europe news reports where news anchors were almost crying about the terrible tragedy. The Hajj itself is all proof you need about how fucking mindless and savage these people are.

On to more cheery things because hey, I am a cheerful guy. Last night while I was watching "Things That Make you Go Hmmm: The Life and Times of C&C Music Factory" my dog started barking like a maniacal fucker! So I go out on the porch in my socks and boxer shorts and there's a coon running around!! No not a black person you racist bastards!!! A RACOON! This thing was enourmous....as big as a man!!! Well, not quite but it was pretty fucking big. I have no doubt he was trying to get to my garbage cans but they were empty anyway and he ran off into the woods. Man, scared the piss out of me. Funny thing is...that's the 2nd run-in I have had with the local wildlife in the last week! Over the weekend I went out to the shed to get some wood because I wanted to build a fire and there's a skunk standing there next to the shed. So I backed WAY up and started tossing rocks at it....not hard. I didn't want to hurt it but I just wanted him to run away. He did and everything worked out okay.

My cat is really starting to drive me fucking crazy with its 'Cattitude'. She laid down next to me on the couch yesterday facing away from me with her little BUNGHOLE looking right at me. Unlike most cats that lay the fuck down and put their tail down ours keeps it up in the air. She only does it to me. So I picked her up and moved her to the other end of the couch and positioned her so the asshole was pointed away from me. Yep, she got up and kept moving closer and aiming her pooper right at me. This is bullshit man.

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn split up!!! WTF man?!?! That gorgeous piece of ass...what I wouldn't do to get with that!!! Oh yeah, and Jennifer Aniston is hot too!!!

Anyway, I have a meeting to prepare for. Hope everyone has a great 'hump' day. TOODLES!

Holy shitballs!

Wow what a busy day I am having!! Ever have one of those? I do once in a while but not too often. Wow this one is a doozy!!!

Well I figured I would at least post something today. I really don't have much to talk about.

This Saturday my folks are coming over to watch Stinky because we're going to go to my X-mas party for work. It was fun last year but man...I gotta say, there are some stuffy fucking people that will be there. I don't know why people cannot just throw down and have fun. I am not saying you gotta drink or go absolutely nuts but COME ON!!! Why do these fucking walking boners need to sit there and act all super professional and talk about work and other assorted bullshit that nobody wants to hear about or talk about. Is it just me or is it like this everywhere?? I have no problem whatsoever yanking out my man-package and showing off a couple new dick tricks under the table. Now I know that's not appropriate at the company X-mas party but my point is....if I am willing to go that far why is it that nobody else can even just relax and talk about fun and funny shit?!?! Instead it always ends up being a bunch of fuck-sticks standing around playing grab-ass and talking about what a great job so and so did with this account and how Johnny Hogsnards did on that account!

All I know is that after the boring part of the X-mas party I am inviting a few of the fun people out to go with my wife and I to the karaoke bar. Yep, I am sure I will be singing some more James Brown and making a total ass of myself. I have no shame whatsoever so I figure why the hell not?!?!

Oh and I have a bitch I need to vent (I know...I always do). What's with these fucking people who you ask or tell to do something and they give you that, "It's not my job" bullshit. One of the first things I always tell people that work for me is that I will not tolerate the "it's not my job" bullshit. Especially here where I work....where our ultimate customer is the soldier. If it was up to me I would fire anyone who says, "it's not my job" but I can't so instead I come up with other ways to get to them. Bottom line is as soon as I hear someone say "it's not my job" I lose any and all respect for them that I might have had. I actually know a lot of people who agree with me on this. What do you think?

When the fuck did they start putting all the Christmas shows on so damn early in December? Didn't they have them on like the week before X-mas in the past? Why in the fuck are they so early now? Must be all the commercialization right?!?!

Speaking of commercialization.....what the fuck do the liberals have against Wal-Mart? More things for cheaper prices which helps stimulate the economy and create jobs?!?!?! No way....I am totally against it!!! Get the fuck outta here! I love hearing people rail on places like Wal-Mart because it shows how fucking ignorant they are. Then the next day they're in Wal-Mart X-mas shopping!

Okay, I am tired now so I am climbing down from my soapbox. I am going to go to the cafeteria now and get a double half-caf no-caf full-caf grande mocha latta double caf decaf frappawappaccino and a delicious side of brussel sprout, tree bark and ragweed salad.

Tea Bag anyone?!?!?

I already did my one blog for today....but I was just reading a story and I had to write about this.

I don't trust tea drinkers. That's right....TEA DRINKERS! I am not talking about people who like the occasional cup of tea....nor am I talking about iced tea (sweet and/or unsweet). I am talking about the people who sit around in their social circles and sip their herbal tea and drink tea regularly in place of a beverage like coffee. Why don't I trust them? Don't worry about all that....I just don't. Let's just say I have my reasons. They fall into the same category with me as vegetarians or vegans, whatever the name of their cult is. I don't trust these people. They clearly have an agenda and I am not buying all their half-truths and gorilla dust!!!

You know the types of people I am talking about. You go over to their house and they have 78 different types of tea bags neatly organized in one of those wooden tea bag organizers with Chinese symbols stamped all over it like that makes them spiritual or aware. Their tea bag organizer is located in the kitchen right next to their organic Tofu dispenser. Fucking phony bastards. Yep...they're the ones with the hemp dental floss and those bullshit "dreamcatcher" things hanging in their windows. "Hey...what's that stupid looking ball of yarn doing in your window??" "Oh...that's my dream catcher....it catches dreams for me while I am making my soy burgers, nut-rolls and chi tea!!" Get the hell outta here dick!

Pennsylvania Dreamin'

Well it is finally seasonal here in NE PA. It's been in the damn 50s and 60s up until this weekend. Not that I am complaining....but now it is back to butt-ass COLD outside.....25 degrees on my way to work this morning. I can cut glass with my nipples!

Well the shindig I had at my house went pretty well over the weekend. The only crappy thing is that we didn't go to sleep until about 5 in the morning. Then Stinky got up at about 7am. So my wife and I only got about 2 hours worth of sleep. Last night we went to bed at about 8pm though so that helped a bit. I kept waking up all night long though with a damn boner!!! No idea why....I didn't have any wild dreams or anything like that. I guess it's just because I am a dude and I can!

You'll have to bear with me this morning....my creative juices just are not flowing at all. I am very groggy and grumpy. Hopefully, I'll get over it and be able to post something of substance here on my blog. Otherwise you'll just have to read about boners, midgets or unsafe construction sites! Talk to you later.

Hurry up, pull my finger....

Let me tell you: last night I had such a case of the swamp ass. My wife and I were sitting on the couch and I let one go. Holy shit! I was one step away from shitting my pants. It was foul. My wife started in on me with that, "God you smell, why do you have to do that?!?!" Of course I then attacked her with "Oh, that's right, you NEVER fart". Except when she farts it is even worse....it smells like graham crackers and day-old funk! When I fart it is a big event but when she does it it's cute. Yeah sure.

Anybody see the "crotchless" pic of Britney Spears on the internet? I did and let me tell you....all those hidden fantasies I had about her.....GONE! Looks like a clam got loose from its shell and hid under her skirt. Dude, I want no part of that.

Why the long face, horse?

This is it....tomorrow is the big challenge. I am having 4 people over to my house. My wife's half-sister and fiancee and one of my West Point buddies and his wife. The army-navy game is tomorrow too. So I have to cook for all these people. I love cooking but the shitty thing is that when I cook I never end up eating anything because I am not hungry. I guess that's good though since I think I am getting fat. The half-sister and fiancee are sleeping over so I am sure we'll all end up getting loaded and playing guitar and music and hanging out talking a bunch of shit.

I bought my daughter one of those trains you set up and ride around the house. It's not for X-mas but for her birthday in January. I put it all together already though and rode it around the house last night to try it out. That thing is HUGE fun. My daughter and I will be fighting for riding time when she gets it for her birthday.

Hey anybody know what ever happened to teen heartthrob Kirk Cameron?!?!

Was anyone that reads this ever a scout? You know, boy scout, girl scout, that type of thing? I was never in the scouts because my family believed (and still does) that all the den masters (or whatever the fuck they're called) were serial molesters who were only there to scope out young boys and lure them into their tent while out in the woods camping. You know...much like Catholic Priests but only out in the woods. Well I gotta admit...I am not sure they were all that wrong. Yes I know...just like everyone says "Not all muslims are bad" they say "not all scout leaders are molesters" but think about it. What better place for a molester to establish the front of a caring, nurturing adult intent on focusing on the well-being and development of young boys while secretly honing their modus operandi of luring innocent children down the path of violation and fear?!?! By the way, that Keira Knightley is fucking hot....she's got an ass like a 10 year old boy! Umm I mean she has a nice ass.

Well, nothing else new going on. Just a lot of sitting around and waiting for the new seasons of Dancing with the Stars and My Big Fat Obnoxious fiancee to start. I'll chime in again later if anything pops up, otherwise happy weekend to everyone.