Vinny's Pizzeria, Used Tires and Abortion Clinic

I am just a skinny Italian kid feeling left out because everyone else has a blog but me. So check it out! Or don't...either way.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Nerves of butter

So I was communicating with some friends of mine over the weekend and this morning. We're having our 10 year reunion for the West Point class of 1996 this October. I got the hotel room all booked and stuff but I am learning that many classmates will not be there. I guess some just don't want to go and many are deployed around the world fighting towelheads. Anyway the issue here is I didn't go to our 5 year reunion because every time I get anywhere near the academy I get nervous like I did when I was a plebe getting hazed and had to go back there after Christmas leave. I have been back there once since I graduated and I was scared shitless. Anyway, I figured that by now I'd be over my issues since I am a civilian but I am not...just thinking about going back there for my reunion is making me nervous but I am gonna do it. I just wish more people from my class were gonna be there. Anyway, the core of our group will be there and I am sure we'll drink enough beers for the rest of the boys that couldn't make it. However, me and a few friends usually do a semi-annual get-together in NC at a lakehouse where we drink, jet ski (sober), boat (sober) and fish. Well this year I don't think we're doing it because we had it planned for Labor Day and some stuff came up and one or two of the guys cannot make it. So I am kinda bummed out about that.

Anyway, when I talk to my friends they all tell me the same thing...they get nervous when they go back to the academy. I don't know what it is because most of us have been through some pretty wacky and wild stuff. Just something about that place that we feel like someone is going to start yelling at us or that we still belong to it or something. Odd....any of you ever have a feeling like that about anything? I kind of feel bad about it since I owe a lot to West Point. Plus the reunion promises to have its moments of humility as we will be rightfully honoring 38 academy graduates and one of my classmates and friends, who have lost their lives in the war on terror--along with honoring all of the other men and women who've lost their lives. I dunno....it's a touchy issue with me...just thought I would share it.

By the way I tried to post a photo of my friend and a true hero, Josh Byers who was killed in action on 25 July 2003 but as luck would have it, this shitty blog site always gives me problems posting photos lately. I will try again later or tomorrow.

Here's a link to the West Point Association of Graduates website with eulogies and comments posted on these fine people. If you choose to look please be respectful.
http://www.aogusma.org/as/admin/remembrance.htm#byers

Good article

Just wanted to post a link to a good article. We all heard about the "tragedy" in lebanon over the weekend where Israelis dropped some bombs and a bunch of "civilians" were killed. The fucking idiots of the world condemn Israel for bombing innocents. Israel contends that hezbollah is using civilians as human shields. Big surprise that a scumbag muslim would do such a thing! I know it must be shocking. Well this article is about an Australian journalist that smuggled some photos out of the warzone showing hezbollah operating and hiding among the civlian population.
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,,19955774-5007220,00.html

How much you want to bet you don't see it broadcast of ABC, CBS or NBC?

Ass cheeks and love seats

How was everyone's weekend? Welcome back on this terrific Monday morning! Jesus, I sound like an elementary school art teacher or something. Hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was outstanding! Here's a summary which you may find boring:

Saturday, I got up early and drove up to the lake. I did some shit on my boat with the engine (cleaning, maintenance, etc) and then I took it out on the lake for a little while and just drove around. Then I went home and we took little stinky to the lake in our development. Actually there are 5 lakes but one has a nice beach with a playground and a swimming area roped off. So Samantha had fun playing in the sand and then she got brave and went into the water all the way up to her shoulders. She really loves the water though which is good. Then we went home and took Samantha and the dog for a long walk. I did some more shit around the yard and then we just hung out and played with Samantha until her bedtime.

Sunday I got up with Samantha so my wife could sleep a little longer (which I do every Sunday). I made her breakfast and we played. Then we all went grocery shopping early so we didn't have to deal with the hordes of bungholes in the store later in the day. The we drove a few miles down the road where there was a big tool sale going on. I got a nice set of tools that I can keep on my boat so I don't have to lug mine back and forth from home. We played around the house and then that was about it. I know it sounds boring but those are my favorite kinds of weekends...the ones where I spend all my time with stinky.

I got some big plans for next weekend though. We're gonna meet my parents at the zoo and they're gonna sleep over and watch stinky so my wife and I can go out Sat night and then Sunday my dad and I are gonna take the boat out fishing. Should be fun....hopefully the fucking rain doesn't ruin it.

Well that's about it for now I guess.....maybe I will blog about something else later if I have a chance. TOODLES.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Hi it's Friday!

Hello faithful and lovely readers! It's Friday....last day before the weekend! Anybody got any big plans for this weekend? Me? I have a few things planned. I will take the family out on the boat tomorrow and I have a few things to do around the house. I am also going to set aside some time to sit in the bedroom closet naked and turn the lights off. I like to do that and play techno music really loud and blindfold myself and open a couple cans of french style green beans and rub the natural juices all over my ample, milky-white body. Then I pick off my feet callouses and roll the dead skin into the shapes of various barnyard animals. It's good clean fun.

All in all it has been a good week. I know I did a little more venting than usual but I am sorry, I just can't help it sometimes when I get so pissed off. Work went well this week. How did everyone else's week go?

My daughter has a doctor's appointment this morning. She's gotta get a couple shots...you know the normal stuff like vaccines, etc. I always think she's gonna be real cranky for the rest of the day but she always surprises me and is a good little girl. She hates the ear thing the doctor uses more than she hates the shots.

In support of Israel in the ongoing conflict here's my tribute to the muslims:



As long as we're doing tributes here's to my girl, the beautiful and talented Storm Large from Rockstar: Supernova:



Okay that's enough with the tribute nonsense. Well, I may come up with something catchy, intelligent or funny later although I doubt it. My wit has pretty much reached its end for the week....not that I have much to begin with. So I am going to go and eat my roast beef sandwich with cheese, horseradish sauce and doritos....even though it is only 8:50am. TOODLES and have a great weekend.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Rub a dub dub...kiss my ass

Okay, ROCKSTAR SUPERNOVA last night. Again they kicked the wrong person off. Look, the guy they got rid of stunk...no argument there. But why the fuck is blue spandex girl Sayeda still there? She ain't bad to look at and I'd flip her over and tap the butt but she can't perform. Anyway, Tommy Lee was not only retarded last night but he was barefoot!!! You know how I feel about guys and their feet! Okay that was the fun and lighthearted portion of my blog. If you are easily offended then please DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

I am seriously stunned by the media's coverage of the Isreal v. muslim scum conflict. All I see or read are pictures of the poor lebanese and how Israel's response to hezbollah is unproportional". Is that what it's come to now? Proportionality? So in WWII we should have been proportional too right? When we went to Germany we should have opened concentration camps and executed and tortured 8 million Germans to be proportional with what they did. After 9/11 we should have just bought a couple jetliners and rigged them to fly by remote and crash them into some buildings in the Middle East right? I am sure it will be frowned upon but I will say it anyway: Israel is fighting the same war we are. The same liberal media and politicians are urging them to stop and undermining their efforts just like they undermine our own. I also fault the Republicans for not standing up and grabbing their collective nutsack and saying, "WE ARE BEHIND YOU ISRAEL". Although they did just send Israel a bunch of bunker-busters to use. I don't like to use my own military service as a platform but I will tell you this: I have seen the muslim up close and personal. They are savages....every single fucking one of them I have ever dealt with. I don't know what all this talk is about "no no it is only the extremists we have to worry about, the minority of muslims". If you believe that then I truly feel sorry for you. They'll smile at you, accept your help, praise you to allah and when you turn around, they'll stick a knife right in your back. It's their mentality. How many of you knew that in the hezbollah charter it states that they will refuse to negotiate or be a part of any peace talks whatsoever and that they will not stop until the state of Israel is "obliterated"?

Now we have Kofi Annan and the U.N. urging a cease fire and peace. Get the fuck out of here. How antiquated and useless is the U fucking N! Lick my nutsack Kofi you worthless fucking mongroloid. I personally hope Israel keeps bombing lebanon into submission. I only wish our country had the nuts to do the same thing. And stop referring to him as "The prophet muhammad". He ain't my fucking prophet...he's scum just like the rest of them.

Do I sound hateful? Damn right I do it's because I hate those fuckers as having dealt with them. I hate them right up there as much as I hate serbians and croatians. None of them have any regard for anything decent so I have no regard for any of them. I feel so strongly that I refuse to capitalize muslim, lebanon, serbians, croatians, allah, prophet and muhammad. Fuck all of 'em with a capital F.

Okay now that I have vented I have to go poo. Feel free to write me any hate mail or disagreements you may have. I could care less and I promise it isn't going to change my mind at all. TOODLES!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Men are just happier...

This list was sent to me by a female co-worker of mine. I thought I would post it on here since most of my readership consists of chicks. Let me know what you think....if it was my own original list I could think of many more but this is pretty good nonetheless:

Men Are Just Happier People --

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

It's Hump Day...

So let's hump! Well we all know that Wednesday is hump day. It's beautiful outside right now here in N.E.P.A. and hopefully it will stay that way. Today is looking to be a pretty good day. I have a golf match after work and as any guy knows, there's nothing better than hanging out on the golf course, drinking beers and hitting a golf ball every once in a while. I know chicks don't understand guys' fascination for golf but what can I say?!?! Last week I skipped golf so I could watch my daughter so my wife could go to the gym. I played the role of sweet and caring husband/father making the ultimate sacrifice for the family. This week I am not and I am gonna get my golf in. Relax...I'm not that bad, I stayed with our daughter last night while my wife went to the gym. Wednesday is Vinny's day to bask in the glory on the golf course.

UPDATE: I got a secret for ya. Go to www.mymms.com and you can build your own personal M&Ms candy with your own message on them. You may need to sell your car to buy a pack because they're fucking expensive but great fun the whole family can enjoy!!!

I watched Rockstar: Supernova again last night. It was a pretty good show. As usual Dilana was unbelievable. Her version of Time After Time was friggin' awesome. I think it is already pretty safe to say she'll win the show easily. Also as usual my girl Storm almost caused me to yank it out and start pulling on it because she's so friggin' HOT! My wife doesn't understand my lust for her and to be honest, neither do I. There's just some chicks that have something about them that just DO IT for me. We made a deal that if I ever have the opportunity to sleep with Storm that I am allowed. Nice to think about but I am a realist. I will never have the opportunity. I actually have permission to sleep with a lot of chicks....none of which I will ever be able to.

So this morning I just received the tentative budget numbers for the program I run for FY07. Let's just say there's probably something inherently wrong about a skinny Italian kid from NY being responsible for this much money. The funny part? It's all YOUR money....and mine....the taxpayers. You guys should all write your Congressman and ask, "Why the hell is Vinny getting his hands on this much of our money?"

Did you ever poo and the water splashes up on your ass? I hate that.

Little known fact: Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 50 years of age or older.

Well I gotta run. I figure they pay me all this money so I should do something once in a while right?!?!?! TOODLES!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Serious blog for a change

Okay, I know many of you will probably not read this. That's fine even though I would be a much happier person if you did. I admit some of this is a little dry and boring but some of it is very interesting. You all know I rail against the global warming crowd. Can I stand here and offer you definitive evidence that temperatures are not changing? No I cannot. That's because they are changing. That's what people do not understand. Global temperatures--which contribute to weather patterns, ice thickness and seasonal anamolies--are CYCLICAL!!!! It's been going on for hundreds of thousands of years! Here are some excerpts from an article which was done by a collaboration of some pretty smart folks. If you'd like I will send you a link to the entire thing. Yes ice is getting thinner in some areas but how do we account for the fact that it is thicker in others? Please read this...please please please!

Precedent:
In the 1970's concerned environmentalists like Stephen Schneider of the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder, Colorado feared a return to another ice age due to manmade atmospheric pollution blocking out the sun.

Since about 1940 the global climate did in fact appear to be cooling. Then a funny thing happened-- sometime in the late 1970's temperature declines slowed to a halt and ground-based recording stations during the 1980's and 1990's began reading small but steady increases in near-surface temperatures. Fears of "global cooling" then changed suddenly to "global warming,"-- the cited cause: manmade atmospheric pollution causing a runaway greenhouse effect.

What does geologic history have to offer in sorting through the confusion?
Quite a bit, actually.

Periods of Earth warming and cooling occur in cycles. This is well understood, as is the fact that small-scale cycles of about 40 years exist within larger-scale cycles of 400 years, which in turn exist inside still larger scale cycles of 20,000 years, and so on.

Earth's climate was in a cool period from A.D. 1400 to about A.D. 1860, dubbed the "Little Ice Age." This period was characterized by harsh winters, shorter growing seasons, and a drier climate. The decline in global temperatures was a modest 1/2° C, but the effects of this global cooling cycle were more pronounced in the higher latitudes. The Little Ice Age has been blamed for a host of human suffering including crop failures like the "Irish Potato Famine" and the demise of the medieval Viking colonies in Greenland.

Today we enjoy global temperatures which have warmed back to levels of the so called "Medieval Warm Period," which existed from approximately A.D. 1000 to A.D. 1350.
"...the Earth was evidently coming out of a relatively cold period in the 1800's so that warming in the past century may be part of this natural recovery." - Dr. John R. Christy (leading climate and atmospheric science expert- U. of Alabama in Huntsville) (5)

Playing with Numbers

Global climate and temperature cycles are the result of a complex interplay between a variety of causes. Because these cycles and events overlap, sometimes compounding one another, sometimes canceling one another out, it is inaccurate to imply a statistically significant trend in climate or temperature patterns from just a few years or a few decades of data.

Unfortunately, a lot of disinformation about where Earth's climate is heading is being propagated by "scientists" who use improper statistical methods, short-term temperature trends, or faulty computer models to make analytical and anecdotal projections about the significance of man-made influences to Earth's climate.

During the last 100 years there have been two general cycles of warming and cooling recorded in the U.S. We are currently in the second warming cycle. Overall, U.S. temperatures show no significant warming trend over the last 100 years (1). This has been well - established but not well - publicized.

Each year Government press releases declare the previous year to be the "hottest year on record." The UN's executive summary on climate change, issued in January 2001, insists that the 20th century was the warmest in the last millennium. The news media distribute these stories and people generally believed them to be true. However, as most climatologists know, these reports generally are founded on ground-based temperature readings, which are misleading. The more meaningful and precise orbiting satellite data for the same period (which are generally not cited by the press) have year after year showed no warming.

Dr. Patrick Michaels has demonstrated this effect is a common problem with ground- based recording stations, many of which originally were located in predominantly rural areas, but over time have suffered background bias due to urban sprawl and the encroachment of concrete and asphalt ( the "urban heat island effect"). The result has been an upward distortion of increases in ground temperature over time(2). Satellite measurements are not limited in this way, and are accurate to within 0.1° C. They are widely recognized by scientists as the most accurate data available. Significantly, global temperature readings from orbiting satellites show no significant warming in the 18 years they have been continuously recording and returning data (1).

Has manmade pollution in the form of carbon dioxide (CO2) and other gases caused a runaway Greenhouse Effect and Global Warming? Before joining the mantra, consider the following:

The idea that man-made pollution is responsible for global warming is not supported by historical fact. The period known as the Holocene Maximum is a good example-- so-named because it was the hottest period in human history. The interesting thing is this period occurred approximately 7500 to 4000 years B.P. (before present)-- long before human's invented industrial pollution.

Total human contributions to greenhouse gases account for only about 0.28% of the "greenhouse effect" (Figure 2). Anthropogenic (man-made) carbon dioxide (CO2) comprises about 0.117% of this total, and man-made sources of other gases ( methane, nitrous oxide (NOX), other misc. gases) contributes another 0.163% .

Approximately 99.72% of the "greenhouse effect" is due to natural causes -- mostly water vapor and traces of other gases, which we can do nothing at all about. Eliminating human activity altogether would have negligable impact on climate change.

Here are some nice quotes to consider:

"We have to offer up scary scenarios, make simplified, dramatic statements, and make little mention of any doubts we may have. Each of us has to decide what the right balance is between being effective and being honest." - Stephen Schneider (leading advocate of the global warming theory)(in interview for Discover magazine, Oct 1989)

"In the United States...we have to first convince the American People and the Congress that the climate problem is real." - former President Bill Clinton in a 1997 address to the United Nations

"In the long run, the replacement of the precise and disciplined language of science by the misleading language of litigation and advocacy may be one of the more important sources of damage to society incurred in the current debate over global warming." - Dr. Richard S. Lindzen(leading climate and atmospheric science expert- MIT) (3)

"Researchers pound the global-warming drum because they know there is politics and, therefore, money behind it. . . I've been critical of global warming and am persona non grata." - Dr. William Gray(Professor of Atmospheric Sciences at Colorado State University, Fort Collins, Colorado and leading expert of hurricane prediction )(in an interview for the Denver Rocky Mountain News, November 28, 1999)

"Science should be both compelling and widely accepted before Federal regulations are promulgated." - Dr. David L. Lewis(27-year veteran of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency andcritic of the agency's departure from scientific rationale in favor of political agenda)(in an interview for Nature Magazine, June 27, 1996)

"Scientists who want to attract attention to themselves, who want to attract great funding to themselves, have to (find a) way to scare the public . . . and this you can achieve only by making things bigger and more dangerous than they really are." - Petr Chylek(Professor of Physics and Atmospheric Science, Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia)Commenting on reports by other researchers that Greenland's glaciers are melting.(Halifax Chronicle-Herald, August 22, 2001) (8)

Temperature Records:

Because accumulating layers of glacial ice display annual bands which can be dated, similar to annual rings of a tree, the age of ice core samples can be determined. Continuous ice cores from borings as much as two miles long have been extracted from permanent glaciers in Greenland, Antarctica, and Siberia. Bubbles of entrapped air in the ice cores can be analyzed to determine not only carbon dioxide and methane concentrations, but also atmospheric temperatures can be determined from analysis of entrapped hydrogen and oxygen.

Based on historical air temperatures inferred from ice core analyses from the Antarctic Vostok station in 1987, relative to the average global temperature in 1900 it has been determined that from 160,000 years ago until about 18,000 years ago Earth temperatures were on average about 3° C cooler than today.

Except for two relatively brief interglacial episodes, one peaking about 125,000 years ago (Eemian Interglacial), and the other beginning about 18,000 years ago (Present Interglacial), the Earth has been under siege of ice for the last 160,000 years.

Price check on vagisil...aisle 5.

What the hell is up with the self-checkouts in the grocery stores? I don't know how it is where you are at but all of our grocery stores up here in the northeast are adding more and more self-checkouts and getting rid of cashier lines. What the fuck?!?! Yeah yeah I know it is all in the name of saving money but give me a fucking break! It never fails that one of several things happen in the self-checkout line:

1) you scan shit....send it down the conveyor belt, then the machine beeps and says the item did not scan and you have to wait on the high school asshole who works there to come over with the "master key" and re-scan the item.

2) you have the fucking slow retard in front of you who cannot figure the machine out. Old people should be banned from the self-checkout. They sit there and look at the fucking machine like it has a giant dick sticking out of it and hold up everyone else. Or perhaps you have the mother with 12 children running around like little fuckers through the store and she's trying to calm them down instead of working the machine.

3) you have the asshole that has to pay in cash....exact change instead of using a debit card like a normal person. That's right, their bill comes out to $67.87 and they have to feed singles and change into the goddamn slot for 20 minutes!

Also, doesn't it chap your ass when you're looking in a store and they don't have a price tag on something? I have gotten into it with a lot of managers and always tell them that if there's no price tag on the item then it should be free. I'd also like to smack the dicks that get in the 15 items or less line with 16 items. Lazy bastards!!!

Monday, July 24, 2006

I Shaved my Hairy Ass!!

Well not really but would that be frowned upon? Besides I think my ass is on the less hairy side anyway. On that note: some news and current events!

George Michael was caught coming out of the bushes of a London park after a rendevouz with an unemployed pot-bellied van driver. Okay...enough already. We all know George Michael smokes pole now let's get over it....this isn't news.

I don't know if anyone heard about this down south where most of my readership comes from the but company I used to work for --Con Edison, NYC's utility company--is getting all kinds of bad press up here. Queens has had some residents without power for the last week. A CBS news crew caught a couple Con Edison workers sleeping on the job and a bunch of other shit. Anyway, having worked there I know a lot of the details and intricacies behind NYC's electrical distribution system. So I sent e mails to a few of my buddies at Con Ed and boy are they getting it handed to them. They're all on call and working 16 hour shifts every day. Holy shit I am glad I am not there anymore! Better them than me.

I saw a TV show on Discovery Channel over the weekend about global warming hosted by Tom Brokaw. If there was any doubt about how much of a farce global warming is, this show completely erased that doubt. Brokaw just blatantly hopped on the bandwagon--just like he does for the liberal propaganda machine--and threw objective and unbiased reporting right out the window. How many times do I have to hear someone say, "The science is indisputable" only to see some proven genuis of a scientist shoot down the global warming theory with facts. It's easy to say the science is indisputable when there are 10 million bullshit theories flying around about global warming and none of it is based on evidence. Courts call this circumstantial evidence and it doesn't prove shit. Even more disturbing are the automatons who swallow this shit right down without questioning any of it.

Waiting to see Israel launch a full scale invasion and tell the spineless rest of the world to go screw itself. I'll gladly pay more money at the pump for a little more resolution of the world's biggest problem....Islam.

Other than that I am super peachy!!!! I had an ultra-nonproductive weekend doing absolutely nothing except hanging out with the family and it was great! Still haven't taken any pictures of my completed front yard but I will get around to it one of these days.

I watched the British Open golf tournament which was kind of boring. Watched the NASCAR race which was also one of the more boring ones.

Oh and I went to the grocery store over the weekend and those fucking girl scouts were there again. This time I took the moral high ground and used the other entrance to avoid harrassment and confontation. Once was enough having to put up with their subterfuge and slimy sales tactics. Why can't they just go out to the woods camping and dodging pedophiles like the boy scouts do? Why do they have to attack us in store entrances and going door to door?

Another observation I made at the grocery store: It seems that a woman's weight is directly proportional to the tightness of pants she wants to wear. The bigger the woman....the tighter pants she chooses. When I shop I go up one aisle and down the next regardless of whether I need anything from that aisle or not....I go up and down all of them in an orderly manner and then proceed to the checkout. Well I was behind this woman in the produce section that looked like she was hiding Gary Coleman and Webster in her spandex pants. So I got what I needed and went to the first aisle where the ketchup and mayo and all that shit is and there she was again but she went around the other way and was coming towards me. Next aisle....same thing, and she didn't have camel toe....she had camel foot! So I skipped the next 2 aisles and didn't run into her again. You know....don't these women realize......never mind. I'll be nice and just not say anything.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Entropy

As we head into another glorious weekend I thought I would leave you with a few more of my random and totally meaningless thoughts. First let's discuss some famous people:

Naomi Campbell: how many maids has she beat up now? And now she's just been arrested for some kind of disturbance. How is it that they call a woman a supermodel when she looks absolutely hideous?

Speaking of so-called hot chicks....what gives with Kim Catrall? Am I the only one who thinks she's ugly?!?!?!

So they have the gay olympics now (not that there's anything wrong with that). Now listen, I could honestly care less if someone is gay or not. Do I hurl derogatory names for gay people around when I get mad or pissed off? I sure do...but that doesn't mean I have anything against them. I have also been known to be perfectly comfortable telling gay jokes to a couple gay guys....right Liza? To be honest, I guarantee the gay olympics would be 100% more entertaining than the regular olympics. But come on!!!! THIS is uncalled for! This is one chick lubing up another chick before the body building competition. Something tells me there's a little more going on here!



And finally, sticking with the sports theme, check out Chickabod Crane here!



Wow would I like to sleep with a gymnast. I'd also like to sleep with a Japanese chick but that's a whole other blog. Anyway, I am burned out. I work so hard all week long that by Friday I am exhausted. Yeah right. Well, hope yous have a good weekend. TOODLES!

Mr Rogers was a Sniper

Was he? That's what I always hear but I doubt it. Anyway, I have decided to give up on my conquest for the time being until I get more readership. That is, IF I get more readership. So I figure I will try and be a little more proactive and get more readers and try again in a month or 2.

Well yesterday afternoon we hooked up the new dishwasher. It is awesome! It is almost completely silent and holy shit when I opened it up after it stopped I almost had my eyebrows singed off it was so hot. We also finished the front yard....pretty much. The only thing I have left to do is get some rocks and hang up our swinging bench. I will take some photos and post them on here next week. I only wish I had some before photos because the change is very dramatic. Here's the best part: a friend of mine works on the side for a landscaper and I had him come by and check it out. I asked him what it would have cost me to have it done and he told me over $40,000.00!!! I almost fainted. I did it for about $3,500.00 with me and my family doing all the design and work. I didn't realize how much landscapers charge. Anyway, I am glad I didn't have to pay all that money because it would have never got done.

No big plans for the weekend. We're having some friends over tonight and we'll eat and hang out and have a few beers and stuff. We have our standing invite with VIP passes to the Pennsylvania 500 this weekend at Pocono raceway (which is about 5 miles from my house as the crow flies). Dunno if we're gonna go or not yet though. I have to do the battery thing on my boat tomorrow and we'll see what else we get into.

Anyways I know it is boring but I am having a boring day. Maybe I will be inspired by something and write more later. If not then hope you all have a great weekend.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Urine my way!

When I got home last night I ran to the bathroom to poo. While I was sitting there I decided to pull a magazine out of the basket we keep next to the throne on the floor. So I grabbed the latest playboy and went to open it and some of the pages were stuck together. I started thinking to myself, "What, did I spooge on this or something?" and realized that I hadn't done anything like that. My investigation revealed a common though rarely discussed household phenomenon: urinary fallout. Many people have magazine racks or whatever on the floor next to the toilet. Well when guys pee, no matter how in control they are, tiny splashes of urine and toilet water fly through the vicinity surrounding the toilet. Same concept as the detonation of a nuclear weapon....tiny radioactive particles fly through the air contaminating things. So what to do about this problem? Well you can move the magazine rack or not have one at all. You can cover it with a plastic tarp when no magazines are being used. Or you can just allow it to happen and wash your hands thoroughly after handling the contaminated periodicals. That's the option I choose because I HAVE to have literature within arm's reach of the stoolie.

In other developments: Rockstar Supernova was good last night. Out of the 3 lowest people they kicked off the right one...Jenny. However, I think the dude who narrowly escaped the bottom three (I forget his name) with the short black hair should be kicked off. He just plain sucks. I gotta tell you....every week I watch the show my girl Storm looks hotter and hotter. Also, how cool is Dilana for trying to help everyone out? And once again, Tommy Lee proves what a bung hole he is.

Lastly I want to ask a favor...I want to try something on my blog here but before I do I'd like to know how many people actually read it. So I know of a few of you but I would like to ask that anybody reading this please reply with a comment. Even if you just say hi or hey asshole or I hate you or anything....just comment with something please. It will help me in my endeavor to know how many people read this. If I have enough readership (which I don't think I do yet) I will move forward with my project. Thanks.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Chinese Chicken

I don't know about you but I love me some chinese food. Having worked in Manhattan I have had the opportunity to eat some of the best chinese food ever. Now we've all heard the rumors about those big-headed bastards using cats in their recipes and stuff like that right? Who hasn't? Well I have always been of the opinion that I don't care what the hell it is they're using....it tastes good so I'll eat it whether it is cat, dog or rat. So on that note here's a step by step pictorial of the preparation of one of my favorites.

Step 1: Gather the ingredients in a colander, rinse and drain



Step 2: Using a standard blowtorch, singe the tasty little critters in order to remove the fur. Be careful to hold the pesky fella by the tip of his tail as not to burn your hand.



Step 3: After removing all of the fur, wash the tasty treat down with warm water to remove all of the singed fur from the carcass.



Step 4: Slice and dice the meat into convenient bite-sized chunks that the whole family can enjoy!



Step 5: Let the meat soak for 2-3 hours in a pre-prepared marinade of peppers and seaweed. This will let the already delicious meat soak up even more tasty flavor!



Step 6: Remove the meat from the marinade and deep fry in goat fat for 5-6 minutes turning once approximately halfway through.



Step 7: Brush the fried meat with any of your favorite Chinese sauces and add a side dish of ground garlic and Rhino horn.



There you have it: Chinese Chicken! You can find this delightful dish at any of your local Asian establishments. Just look on the menu for anything labeled chicken. Just look at that plate bursting with all that tasty flavor!

Your mother puts liplocks on Pollocks

Rockstar: Supernova update: Good show last night. My 2 favorites kicked ass. Dilana's performance was perfect...she's really good. Storm's performance wasn't quite as good but what she lacks in performance is more than made up for with how friggin hot she is. DAMN! I almost had to yank it out and pull on it.

Got my dishwasher last night. I looked in the instruction booklet and decided not even to give it a shot installing it. Holy shit....are we installing a dishwasher or landing a plane on an aircraft carrier?!?!? I am having it installed tomorrow.

Let's see what else. No golf for me today. My wife joined a gym and has a personal trainer lesson tonight so I am going to go home and watch stinky. My wife is as thin as a rail so I dunno why she felt she had to join a gym. I think she just wants to have some time to herself a few days a week. Nothing wrong with that. Plus she probably wants to look at buff guys with good bodies since she always has to see my skinny naked ass walking around the house. The gym also has a daycare center that has glass walls so while you're exercising you can look in there if you want so she can bring stinky during the day and exercise. My wife said there are a LOT of hotties there so I am wondering if maybe I should get a membership too. Anyway, next week will be back to my normal Wednesday golf routine.

We got this new security guy at work and I will be damned if he doesn't look exactly like Bookman from the 70s-80s TV show Good Times.

I am very excited because I spoke with my gov't boss yesterday. He told me that he and his boss both recommended me to my company for a bonus on top of the raise I have coming up. So anyway, the head honcho from my company came by yesterday to speak with my government boss. Afterwards my gov't boss--the guy I am always playing pranks and stuff on--told me that I owe him because of the raise I am getting. He told me how much it is and I certainly do owe him. I will probably buy him a case of beer or something like that. I know it doesn't sound like much but you have to be careful with government regulations on how much you can spend on a gift. Plus I know he likes beer since both times I went to Germany this year I had to bring him back beer. Now I just have to wait and see when I get my bonus...the only shitty thing is the taxes I will have to pay on it. That's okay though....it'll still be awesome.

I had the stagecoach dream again last night. Every year or two for as long as I can remember I have had this dream that I rob stagecoaches. I ride up to them on a horse with a gun and hold them up. Pretty weird considering I won't go near a horse. I wish this damn dream would go away. Why can't I have a recurring dream about hanging out with Hef at the grotto with bunnies running around handing out booze and stuff? Talk about morning wood!

Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Rub a dub dub see you later.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Potpouri

Is that how the fuck you spell it? So yesterday after I got home from work I paid some bills online and then I got changed and took my mountain bike for a ride. I didn't go too far because I haven't ridden in a while and I wanted to just stretch my legs out and get back into it. I was cruising along and actually going pretty damn fast down a trail in the woods and almost hit a deer. There are TONS of deer where I live and they're not afraid of people because everyone feeds them. I actually feed them and they eat right out of my hand in my yard. Anyway, I have to be more careful when biking around the deer. Other than that and a few tree limbs smacking me in the head and face it was a good time. I am going to start riding every day after work except Wednesdays which is golf day.

Today I can't ride because I have to go to Sears after work and pick up the new dishwasher. I wasn't about to pay $80.00 to have them deliver it. I can't wait to put it in....this thing is like a ferrari as far as dishwashers go.

I am kind of puzzled about something. Israel gets the piss bombed out of it by suicide bombing Muslim scum all the time but every time they step forward to defend themselves they are criticized by the media, countries around the world and that joke of an organization: the U.N. Why is it such a bad thing for a sovereign nation to defend itself? Why is there no criticism of Hamas and Hezbollah funding these suicide bombers? Why do they get a free pass and Israel gets ridiculed? Goes to show you....most people are fucking morons. If you ask me, I'd like to see Israel wipe these people off the face of the planet. Every single one of them. Hezbollah launches hundreds of rockets at Haifa and hits a hospital and it's no bog deal. Israel shoots back and destroys the headquarters of a known terrorist organization and they're the evil ones? Give me a fucking break.

On a lighter note it is nice to have running water at my house again. My water pressure is also much better. I guess the pipe had been leaking for some time but not too badly and I was losing pressure. Now that it is fixed though everything is much better. When I get my dishwasher tonight the plan is for me to try and install it myself. I have a degree in nuclear engineering so how hard can it be? Then again, why do I have a feeling that this is gonna go over like a fart in church?!?!? Should be interesting. I will let you know how it works out.

Anyways, that's it for now I guess since I ran out of things to say. Maybe I will put up another post later....maybe not. Toodles.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Mochachino Boy Slut

So this past weekend I went to a small town nearby which is renowned for its charming sidewalk cafes, delightful antique shops and wonderful parks. I strolled into town with my new birkenstock sandals on and found a quaint little cafe nestled on a cobblestone side-street. I walked in and ordered a no-caf, half-caf, decaf mocha soybean latte choca doca and a piece of delicious soy and organic veggie pie. Since giving up meat and becoming a vegan I am so much healthier and more superior than those terrible carnivores out there. Obviously they have no idea what is good for them. Mmmm both the soybean latte and the pie were wonderful as were the beautiful people inside of the cafe. Artists sketching, poets reading and musicians writing: a dizzying array of eccentric and beautiful people far more cultured than those who actually contribute to society.

When I finished my delicious treats I left the Dharma Cafe and strolled lazily down the well-trodden sidewalk to the east and toward Melanie's Antiques. The store was filled with beautiful pieces...almost as beautiful as my birkenstock sandals with feet hanging out. I am so much more enlightened than most people because I love looking through old and dead people's junk that nobody has any use for anymore. I bought a lovely pair of burlap pants and an old bicycle seat.

Once I left the antique store I felt as though I had to nosh. I stopped off at Evan's Organic Health Store and purchased a tree bark and brussel sprout sandwich on super whole-grain no fat, half-grain organic bread. Outside in the park was a poetry reading going on. Those beautiful words emanating from the lush green fields filled the air with love, despair, hope and possibility. I suddenly felt the need to remove the bandana from my head and grab a picket sign and march in the name of peace. I realize they might not take me seriously since I haven't washed my hair in 3 months and have white-people dreadlocks but don't they understand that this makes me unique and that I am expressing myself? Anyway since I couldn't find a sign to carry in protest I decided to sit in the park on the ground in my bare feet and listen to the beautiful poems being shared. Next to me a young woman picked daffodils out of the grass and put them in her hair in a beautiful expression of oneness with nature.

Did any of this really happen? No, not to me anyway. Just wanted to see what it's like through the eyes of one of those types of people who make me nauseaus. There are many types so this won't be the last "Through the eyes of...." post.

S is for Shitty Weekend

Hi everyone, hope your weekend was better than mine....mine sucked a big giant white ass! I think I mentioned that my dishwasher was crapping out right? Well it's gone. Finito. So I went to Sears on saturday to get a new one and the only ones they had in stock were 3 different kinds in white. Who the fuck wants white appliances? Okay a lot of people do but I was looking for stainless steel. So I lectured the guy about how they shouldn't advertise something they do not have in stock and I broke down and ordered one. It'll be ready to pick up tomorrow by 6pm. Anyway, all weekend we've been sent back to the stone ages (or my parents' house) and have been doing the dishes by hand. The rest of the day Saturday was uneventful....my dad was at my house and we were working on the front yard....almost done. I did take my wife, daughter and father out to dinner at The Red Lobster though. I call it THE Red Lobster because it makes it feel more special to me.....like it is not a franchise and is the only one that exists. I had the ultimate feast. I have been to Red Lobster well over 100 times and that is the only thing I have ever eaten there. My wife got some crab pasta alfredo and didn't like it. Proof that once you find a good thing you should stick to it....if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And how can you go wrong with their Caesar salad? It's as salty as a sweaty nut sack but it is the best in the whole world.

Sunday was the kicker. My dad and I got up early and continued work on the front yard. We wrapped up with what we could do at around 10:30am. So I decided to grab the family and head up to the lake to take the boat out. Well we got there and threw all our shit in the boat and Boom.....dead battery. I didn't want to fart around with it while my wife and kid were there because it was like a bazillion degrees outside so I am gonna go up after work one day this week and remove the battery and take it to the shop down the road so they can recharge it for me. Then we came home from the lake and went to the public swimming pool that is nearby. I swear to god, public pools are like Puerto Rican magnets. Not that I really give 2 shits but it is true. I can hear it now, "Vinny why do you have to categorize and stereotype?" My answer is that I like to because it is fun. I enjoy categorizing and stereotyping people....including myself...so THERE! I just don't like when people start jumping in the water right next to you no matter what ethnic group they belong to. You know what the funny thing is? I have lived in the Poconos for like 2.5 years now and I have seen about 3 Puerto Ricans.....then I went to the pool and saw about 15 of them. Again, not that I really care for all you super-sensitive types whom I don't want to offend!!! Just thought I would mention it. You want offensive you should have seen what I said in the grocery store one day when I was joking around about the watermelons!

Anyway I got off the topic....I was talking about my shitty weekend. So we came home from the pool and I heard this weird noise. Yep, busted pipe in the basement. So I had to shut the water off to the entire house last night until the pipe is replaced this morning. So other than spending great time with my little stinky my weekend sucked moose ass. Dishwasher, busted pipe, no water, dead boat battery.....who needs this bullshit? And I sincerely hope nobody gives me the old "think about the less fortunate" and "it could be much worse". Everything could always be worse...that's obvious. I hate those lines. I busted my ass for a long time to make sure I am not one of those less fortunates. Just let me wallow in my despair and feel sorry for myself for a little while and then I will get over it. It's like I tell my wife when I get mad. If you let me hoot and holler and throw stuff for 5 minutes I will be over it. Otherwise I will stew all day long about it. Nobody wants that!

Okay I am going to try and start a new thing (when I remember) called interesting fact. So here's today's interesting fact: No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

Talk to you later...TOODLES!!!

Friday, July 14, 2006

Big Nasty

Okay, if you read the comments to my last blog (Did she say vagina?) you'll see Liza's comment about searching for the correct spelling of hemorrhoids and about the pictures that popped up. Here's what she is talking about..EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Did she say vagina?!?!?!

I meant to include this in my post from this morning but I got off on a tangent and forgot. Why is it that everytime I sit down to eat dinner with the TV on there comes a commercial about yeast infections, douches and vaginas? I ask this because those who read my blog (as far as I can tell) are mostly women. This really freaks me out and I HATE IT! There's the one where the mother approaches the daughter and says something like, "What's wrong dear, having that not so fresh feeling?" EEEEWWWWW! They used to only play these ads during soap operas but now they plague the airwaves at all hours of the day! Those along with the tampon commercials....and they have the nerve to dump those unidentified blue liquid substances on the tampons and maxi-pads to show how super-absorbent they are. I can tell you this, I have never, ever bought tampons and/or maxi-pads for any chick I was ever with....past or present. I refuse. When my wife and I go shopping together I won't even take the box out of the wagon to put it on the conveyor belt. A lot of people have asked me why and I just tell them because it is embarrasing. I have seen other dudes in line at the store by themselves and put a box of tampos on the counter and we'd just exchange looks. We didn't say anything but he could tell I was saying, "Sorry bro. I feel for you man." And I can tell by his look he was saying, "Dude, I don't want to buy these things but man, I ain't got a choice!" Don't get me wrong, the VAG is a beautiful thing but man, I just can't bring myself to make any purchases on its behalf.

Assholes and Elbows

So I show up to work this morning and open one of my desk drawers and it was full of styrofoam peanuts....AGAIN! So I proceeded to check the rest of the drawers and they were all full. I spent the last 45 minutes cleaning them all out. I have no doubt who it was....my boss! He and I have a history of playing practical jokes on each other. Yesterday I made a bogus PA announcement where I read his license plate number and said, "Your lights are on". Now walking out to the parking lot here is a big deal because it is a really long walk. So he walked all the way out there only to find that his lights were not on. I guess he realized it was me and he put the peanuts in my desk as payback. So while he was in his morning meetings this morning I went to the one-stop-shop we have here that's like a drugstore and I bought a bunch of bags of confetti and dumped them in his desk drawers--much more difficult to clean than the peanuts are. So I am now waiting for him to open his desk drawers. NICE! Last week I left an official looking memorandum on his desk saying that DOIM (Dep't of Info Mgmt) monitored him looking at porno websites and that this kind of behavior would not be tolerated.

I was up half the night last night because Stinky is getting her molars in and couldn't sleep so we brought her into our bedroom and she was tossing around and must have kicked me in the head about 6 times. Needless to say my ass is dragging today. At least I got to relax when I got home yesterday. I filled up the bathtub with ice cubes, raw shrimp in the shell and a pack of raw bacon and soaked in it for a while. Very soothing and good for the skin.

I am planning on going out on my boat this weekend. Not sure which day but I WILL get out on the lake. I just wish I had another person who knew how to drive the fucker so I could waterski. I have a brand new pair of waterskis I haven't been able to use yet. The rules say that while someone is skiing there needs to be 2 people in the boat: a driver, and a lookout to watch the skiier. Anyone know how to drive a boat and want to come visit this weekend? I also have to put gas in the boat. Gas on the lake is about $5.00 a gallon and my engine holds 28 gallons. JESUS!

I don't know what is up with me lately but I have been crapping my ass off every morning. I was never a morning pooper. I'd always go in the early afternoon but this whole week I have gotten to work in the morning, had a couple coffees and BAM, gotta Poo! I hate that because then you walk around all day with swamp ass.

I think by now most of you know that I am against guys (flippers) wearing sandals unless they're at the beach or pool. Like I have said in the past I have no problem with chicks doing it but not so with guys. Anyway there's some clown walking around here at work today with jeans on....you know the kind that are frayed at the bottom of each pant leg? Well he has those on with sandals. Totally uncalled for. I passed him in the hallway and you could hear his sandals flip-flopping all the down the fucking hallway! WTF?!?! I just shook my head as I passed and bit my tongue for once. I don't need any EEO complaints filed against me like the chick did last week when I grabbed her ass. KIDDING!

Anyway, that's it for now. I will probably post another blog later since I don't have much to do today. Oh and I got another song on my iPod: "Big Papa" by Biggie Smalls. NICE!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Ass cheese tastes like Poo!!!

Now yous know that sometimes I post very light-hearted and fun blogs which I hope you enjoy (all 3 of you). Well I'd like to end the day on a more serious note today. Sometimes I like to garden in my boxer shorts so my nads and winky can hang out the bottom of the leg. This serves 2 purposes: 1) it cuts back on sweat in the private areas and 2) it gives the neighbors a delightful show.

I also wonder why passers-by give me dirty looks sometimes when I hang out in front of the elementary school asking the childrens if they would like some candy.

Pennsylvania recently loosened its dress code in the public schools. I think this has disaster written all over it. Take for instance little big man in the photo below. This homely looking bastard was out waiting for the bus to summer school the other morning. I'm not a betting man but I'd put a week's pay down on the fact that this dude has a turkey stuffed in his lunch box. Kind of looks like Newman from Seinfeld.



I don't know if I mentioned it in my blog yet but 2 weeks ago we bought a cat for my daughter. We saw it in the pet store and she wasn't leaving without a cat so there was nothing I could do even though I don't like cats. Anyway, I was sitting on the couch the other night and the little fucker attacked me. So if anyone is interested I am giving the cat away.



Yous guys all know that I have been doing a lot of yardwork and stuff lately. Since I live in the Poconos there's a lot of Indian history around here. Actually Pocono is an Indian word for some shit or another. Anyway, while digging in my front yard I found this curious artifact in the photo below. It is obviously some kind of Indian hieroglyphic and I am looking to donate it to one of the local museums.



Now I know the holidays are a ways off. However, I already have a few Christmas presents that I bought for the family and I am hiding. I also have Christmas cards left over from last year I am going to re-use again too. What I don't have though are Thanksgiving cards. So I took some photos over the last week or so to make cards out of. After some stretching, pubic grooming and a lot of camera play and editing I came up with this, let me know if it is okay or not:


In keeping with the Thanksgiving spirit I bet the pilgrims would shit their pants if they saw this!


Well, keep your heads up....tomorrow is Friday, then end of another week. I am looking forward to my weekly Thursday night raw shrimp and bacon bath. Talk to you guys tomorrow. TOODLES.

Name Game

Vinny vinny bo binny........yeah yeah, that was the stupidest song I ever fucking heard. Speaking of names I was thinking about what my favorite chick names are. There are lots of chick names that I love. I love the name Stephanie but I hate when they spell it Stefanie. WTF? That's the lazy ass parents trying to make it shorter by removing a letter. I like Samantha...obviously since I named my daughter that.....are there any weird spellings of Samantha? I love the name Melissa too. That's a sexy ass name but what the hell is up with spelling it with one S?!?! Melisa looks off-balance. It looks like it will tilt to the left under all the weight of the capital M and without a second s to hold the right side down! WTF??!!

How come chicks aren't named Gladys and Ethel and Maude and Gertrude anymore? Those were the hot chick names back in the day. Now you got stuff like Savannah (who is also a late porn star), Apple, Kayla and stuff like that. How do names evolve so dramatically? Well, just something to think about I guess. Guys are easy: John, Joe, Don, Ralph, Bartholemew, Vinny, etc. Oh and there's always my old fallback name I use when I go out in my pimp costume: T-Bone.

There's a storm-a-brewin'!!!

So a tornado hit 20 miles north of NYC yesterday in Westchester County. Of course all the alarmists who have no idea of what they're talking about are screaming about global warming causing bizarre weather in unlikely areas. First of all, the tornado was tiny. Secondly, this is nothing new at all. When I was growing up around the Middletown area of NY (Orange County) there were small tornados every year or two. Now we can all look forward to hearing that every time there's a weather event, no matter how normal, it was caused by global warming.

Put a couple new songs on my I-Pod. "The Adventure" by Angels & Airwaves (the guy from Blink-182's new band); "Soul Craft" by Bad Brains (rastafarian hardcore group); "Smooth Operator - Live" by Sade (my theme song); "She Divines Water" by Camper Van Beethoven; "Hated for Loving" by Morrissey; "White Houses" and "Ordinary Day" by Vanessa Carlton and maybe a couple more. All good shit.

The TV show "Rockstar - Supernova" was a travesty last night. In the bottom 3 were 2 decent people and this chick from Puerto Rico who sucks a giant ass. Well they all performed again and the other two people did different songs than the night before and did them well. The Puerto Rican chick did the same song as the night before and stunk it up again....she was TERRIBLE. So the band picked one of the decent ones to leave the show and kept the chick. Tommy Lee must just want to get laid...that's the only logical explanation.

I started a new hobby. Every time I drive by someone in a car who's on their cell phone I honk my horn and flip them off. It's good fun pointing out what corn holes people are. By the way, I NEVER talk on my phone in the car so I am not a hippopotamus.....er um I mean hypocrite.

It's like Ice Cube says, "Life ain't nothing but bitches and money".

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Nothing New

Not much going on the last couple of days. Crappy weather around here in the Poconos (big surprise). I have a toothache which sucks butt. I am just hoping it goes away. Work is going well. I have my annual review coming up so I will be getting my raise/bonus....always good things. I am supposed to play in my weekly golf tournament today but I don't know if it will be cancelled or not due to weather. My dishwasher is crapping out at home. It's pretty old so it is probably time for a new one anyway. I can at least get a stainless steel one so it matches my refrigerator/freezer. My dog is sick. My stinky has an ear infection. So things could be better, but they can always be worse so I am not too concerned about it. Anyway, I will write more when I have something meaningful to say.

Monday, July 10, 2006

I hate everything French

Big news today....I went to several news websites this morning like I do every day because I pride myself on being very aware of current events. Well the big headline this morning was a significant event with far-reaching socio-political impact. That's right, Madonna may leave Kaballah. First of all I am suspect of any "religion" that sounds like an Arab camel jockey's middle name. Secondly, all of these "religions" that famous people (I don't use the word celebrity) belong to are nothing more than cults. Sorry folks, if you don't think Scientology is a cult then there's something amiss. Kaballah is another manufactured fad of a religion that's all the rage with the trendies. Anyway, I digress. Why the fuck is this a news headline? You know, Madonna has her fans and supporters and all of that jazz but do any of these people even believe that this should be headline news? Then on like page 5 there's a story about how 10 college football players raped an 11 year old girl. That's seems a little more significant than Madonna's cult membership.

If you have to tell me what fraction of you is Native American, you're not really an Indian. There's a word for people who claim to be one-quarter Indian: Puerto Rican

Anyway, weekend was good. Got my new dining room set and it is AWESOME. I also spent a lot of time with Stinky. I sat in her kiddie pool with her and splashed around and we took turns chasing each other around the house. We went to my parents' house on Saturday for a while too. All in all pretty relaxing. This week I am going to try and get some bike riding in after work. Except for Wednesday because that's the day I have my golf tournament. Oh and I WILL be going out on my boat this weekend....I don't care what the weather is like. I haven't been on my boat in a month.

Speaking of ass crack…plumbers need to start wearing extra high jeans. Listen, you’re in my house, I am paying you money to fix a problem, giving you lemonade to drink the courteous thing to do is not show me your 2 feet of ass crack every time you bend over to climb under the sink.

I haven't had anymore run-ins with the girl scouts but I am keeping an eye out. Italy won the world cup yesterday. Thank God. I was happier seeing the French lose though. I can go on and on about the French but I will save that for another blog.

Finally, a list of great excuses for the next time you decide to call in sick to work:

1) I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

2) I refuse to travel to my job in the city until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

3) I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You think I should come in?

4) The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

5) When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

6) "I'm too fat to get into my work pants."

7) Last night in San Francisco I was attacked by a guy who didn't like the remarks I made about him and he hit me in the face and broke the windshield of my car with a small bat that I tried to hit him with.

8) I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

9) I was really horny last night and I had my thumb in my ass when I sneezed!! I clinched up so violently that I broke my thumb and will not be able to return to work for at least two weeks!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Girl Scout Hoodlums

So I stopped off at the grocery store the other day on my way home from work and there's a table set up outside where girl scouts are selling their cookies. Well, first of all I don't really eat cookies or cake, candy, sweets or anything else like that. Just never liked the stuff. I never even wanted to go trick or treating for Halloween when I was little. My rationale was that if I want something I will get it myself instead of running around like an ill-dressed panhandler begging for it. Anyway, I realize the girl scouts don't fall into the begging panhandler category but they don't have to be so goddamn aggressive. On my way into the store about 3 of them mobbed me asking to buy cookies. I told them I don't eat cookies so I am not going to buy them. Their parents looked at me like I had a dick growing out of my forehead or something. Even the parents started chiming in about how I should buy their cookies or even just make a donation for no cookies yada yada yada. I explained that I didn't have any cash on me and then they informed me that there's a money machine inside the grocery store. Now I don't appreciate these kinds of dirty sales tactics especially when they're created by little girls and their scheming parents. That's when it hit me and I decided to play dirty myself. So I grabbed a couple things I needed (milk, shaving cream, etc) and then I grabbed the biggest bag of Oreos they had. I paid at the cashier and on my way out I opened the bag of Oreos and took a handful of them and walked past the table eating them. You shoulda seen the look on their faces. Priceless. Now I realize that every one of them thinks I am a spiteful prick bastard and you know what? Maybe I am but there's nothing I hate more than telling someone I am not interested and then being pestered. Just last night I cursed out a telemarketer because they started their spiel and I interrupted her and said, "Let me save you some time....not interested". Then she wouldn't quit asking me, "Okay but what about if we do this" and "but you know we can do that." So I unleashed a profanity-laced barrage all but insuring she will not be calling me back. By the way, I am on the do not call list so why the fuck are these people calling me?

Okay, I feel better now that I vented. Tomorrow we're going to my parents' house for my niece's birthday party. Then Sunday I have my new dining room set coming and we're gonna try finishing the yard up. I need more weeks like this....4 days off and 3 days at work. Have a great weekend. TOODLES!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Tidbits

1) Kim Jong "Mentally" Il should be assassinated.

2) The space shuttle launched successfully. I think it is amazing that as complex a task as launching a space shuttle, the only reason it gets as much coverage as it does is because of the 2 tragedies that befell previous launches. That's the media for us. I remember when you didn't even know the shuttle was launched because it received no coverage. Then in 1986 the first shuttle accident occurred and ever since the media has been salivating over the possibility of another tragedy. They got their wish in 2003.

3) No hurricanes yet this year and central Nebraska and Kansas have not had a tornado yet this year....the first time since 1950. So, like I said in a previous post, this global warming thing must be going away right? All the fruitcake global warming alarmists said that we would have progressively worse hurricane seasons right? Yes they did, I have it in writing. So we're already about 4 or 5 hurricanes behind last year. Therefore, logic says that either they're wrong about global warming or that the problem is going away. Of course it is impossible that Al Gore is wrong so it must be because global warming is going away. Sorry if I offend anyone but I remain of the opinion that anybody who goes along with the global warming theory....especially since there is no unbiased evidence and temperatures are obviously cyclical....is either extremely uneduacated or is just a fucking wacko. Don't forget, to have a valid scientific argument not only do you have to prove that you're correct through relevant and unbiased data (which they cannot), but you need to show why the opposing argument is invalid (which they cannot).

4) On a lighter note...hope everyone had a great 4th of July. My girls came home on Saturday the 1st and we had a great 4 day weekend just hanging out and spending time with each other. I didn't get the yard 100% finished in time for them but it was real close and they loved it. They also like the furniture and all the other stuff I did and had done around the house. The new dining room set comes this week also. NICE!

5) Work is going well. I am continuing to work an angle which may put me in the Charlotte/Lake Norman area of North Carolina by the fall. Still a lot of details to work out but it is entirely possible. It's too early to say probable. If that's the case, I don't know yet if I am gonna sell my house in PA or keep it. Anyone looking for a nice place in the Poconos? I won't say yet what this new job would be because I am sure you would all say, "Yeah, right Vinny" and proceed to make fun of me. My buddy Dan knows and my wife knows but that's it. I will just say right now that it has to do with professional sports. Let your minds wander.

6) Fucking fireworks RULE!

7) I have to temper down my road rage. Anyone who has driven with me can tell you I am real bad about flipping people the finger and yelling stuff out the window and all kinds of wacky stuff. Well Sunday I was sitting in the living room and Samantha came in from the porch and looked at me and said, "Hey dick." I swear to God! Looked right at me and said it. I can only guess that she got this from listening to me yell at people when we're driving. Since then she's just gone back to "Dada" but I gotta calm down or she's gonna be calling me all kinds of stuff.

8) Is anyone else wondering when we're going to stop hearing about Hurrican Katrina?